cry me a river

there are many many many things in this crazy Cher-fer-sake'n world that can make all of us break down and weep from time to time!

not gett'n a hold of tickets to the GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH this year

might personally get MY waterworks system move'n in the right direction
(FYI...that AIN'T a happen'n...thanx to my dear friend Emily...kisses)

chopp'n up one of these suckers fer yer salad will do the trick

knock'n over a glass of moo juice might turn some into a whine ass

but apparently it originated as an offer'n to the faeries in the folklore
period and this was considered to be good luck for those who did it
(but put that in yer useless information bank and smoke it)

try'n to save a couple of bucks...instead of call'n a real professional

only to have it go awry...will make yer eye ducts start to well up and make you think twice about watch'n another damn TLC remodel'n program

or a misunderstand'n...that goes askew...while hold'n a pick axe in yer hand

may make a Maury Povich audience member let out a sigh of empathy for you...but yer still gonna probably get 5-10 in the big boy pen when it's over

i was fumblin' thru my dvd collection last weekend after a difficult day
with my conscious tell'n me what to do...after o.d.'n on a 6 pack of red bull...try'n to find somethin' to get the ol' R.E.M's to kick in

no...not these guys silly kitten

these guys...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

i cannot confirm or deny that this is or is not me catch'n 40 winks
(hadda throw somethin' in there...thought i was loose'n ya fer a minute)

i knew i needed somethin' with an extremely hysterical moment to get the water works happen'n..whether good or bad...in order to calm those night time nerves

and since i'm not 20 anymore...(unless i'm under the right light'n and bitch slapped by photo shop fer a few hours)..."patty cake'n the bacon" don't work like it used to!

even though i've seen these flicks like 100 million times over...they get to me each and every time durin' those pivitol moments...so i've compiled my top 10 list of bawl'n busters fer my narcaleptic naps

10. Lisa Lampanelli: take it like a man

she's the self proclaimed "Queen of Mean"...almost killed me the first time i seen her at my sister's house in the wee hours of the morn'n a few years back...all bets are off with EVERYONE here...and no one goes unscathed from her seethin' mouth and razor sharp tongue...one of my fav-o-rit lines from LL "i've had more black dick in me than the urinals at the Apollo"...
i dare you not to bust open the flood gates watch'n this show

9.Thelma and Louise

2 women...a thunderbird...and a hitch hiker...breakdown moment #1 happens fairly soon in the beginn'n but just sorta fills up the buckets...then yer calmed down fer a bit before the climactic end'n when ya use'n yer wrists as wind shield wipers

8. Little Miss Sunshine

one of the very few family movies i can relate to...and believe...well cuz it's so dysfunctional...a black dramedy about broken dreams and coming together as one...the movie is brilliant thru-out and not one dull moment to be had...but the end'n scene with the little sister kills me everytime

7. Silkwood

2 words...Meryl Streep...enough said!...throw in a non heterosexual Cher and a shirtless Kurt and it won't be long before you're reach'n fer the kleenix...a true story about Karen Silkwood who worked at a plutonium plant and started investigate'n the shinanigans that occured there...only to be investigated herself...Meryl's peril (sorry kittens...had to...it rhymed) is played out thru her amaze'n rendition of "amazing grace"...i always feel like i'm ride'n in slow motion thru the Pont de l'Alma tunnel in Paris with Diana and Doty

6. Brokeback Mountain

2 guys...some horses...a lotta sheep...and a mountain...sounds like one of those illegal porn flicks you'd watch with yer high school buddies when yer parents weren't home...i know...BUTT...(and that is the opperative word) you can't escape their gravitational pull

5. NORMAL

hello!...Jessica Lange...what can't this woman do?...also starr'n Tom Wilkinson as her husband of 25 years...and that HERO's chick Hayden Panettiere as their teenage daughter...with possible non heterosexual tendencies and their son what's-his-name (really...what is it?...i never heard of him before..and i'm too uninterested to google him) anywho...this is a story about love...marriage...family...sex...change...the tear jerker moments are thru-out...but Jessica's break down in the basement should've gotten her an oscar nomination

4. Steel Magnolias

buckle yerself in to the emotional roller coaster cuz this all star cast will make yer eyes feel like the hoover dam...and ready to burst at the seams from the moment you press play...til the credits roll...i swear this
writer was born to make you weep..."i'm fine!...i can jog all the way to Texas and back...but my daughter can't!...she never could!...oh G*d!...i am so mad i don't know what to do!...i wanna know why!...i wanna know why Shelby's life is over!...i wanna know how that baby will ever know how wonderful his mother was!...will he ever know what she went through for him!...oh G*d i wanna know why?...Why?...lord i wish i could understand!"

3. Torch Song Trilogy

starr'n Harvey Fierstien...Anne Bancroft and my high school secret crush Matthew Broderick...about perform'n illusionist Bertha Venation...his lovers...their son and his jewish mother's disapproval..."whoops?...Ed did you say "whoops"?...no Ed "whoops" is when you fall down an elevator shaft..."whoops" is when you skinny-dip in a school of piranha..."whoops"
is when you accidentally douche with drano!...no Ed...this was no "whoops" this was an AAAAAAAAAAAAA!"...i'm already gett'n farklempt and i haven't even pressed play

2. Terms of Endearment

Shirley McClaine...Debra Winger..."it's past ten...my daughter is in pain...i don't understand why she has to have this pain...all she has to do is hold out until ten...and IT'S PAST TEN!...my daughter is in pain... can't you understand that!...GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!"...enough said

1.ONCE

though i rarely ever use this word to describe anything...this is thee most BEAUTIFULLY done romantic musical i have ever seen in my life...it's about one guy...one girl...a vaccuum...a piano...a guitar...and find'n out what it is you really want in life...the simplicity in itself is enough to make you break down and weep...the musical arrangements are perfection and tug at every little vein that leads straight to yer heart (that is IF you have one at all)

so there ya have it kittens!

keep yer nyquil...choke on yer ambien...this is my preferred medication to dreamland...try it next time yer toss'n in yer sleep...if it don't work...go see a doctor and get off my dress!

i want a new drug

i...like many chosen single non heterosexuals...have a merried of "drugs" when choose'n a potential failure as a runn'n mate fer a period of time...

and by "drugs"...i mean options!

my latest and potentially the most damage'n "drug" to my cochlea...

would be the QUEEN's 12th studio album due out march 26th...

which i already can't get enough of her latest...and her 38th top 10 hit

beat'n out the KING & some bugs as the artist with the most 10 ten hits ever

followed by her OUT-OF-THIS-AMAZE'N WORLD tour...i'll do what i can to help out...her poor neglected...underpriveldged children need love to!

but i digress...

in your 20's...you were judge...jury...executioner...defendant and plantiff on how you looked and what you wore when you went out with yer gaggle of gays and the one token fag hag who felt like the luckiest bitch on earth

the dollars bill's would flow like a whore with halitosis at any given bar on any given nite of the week...it was all about cover charges and cock!

i somehow always felt like i had become some sorta surrogate therapist

to some meals on wheels look'n fruit basket...who's environmentally delayed...just cuz he paid fer my drink!

so instead...i'd rummage around for the leftovers at any bar close

fer someone close enough to the top of the food chain...OR

stroll fer a troll in the wee hours of the nite in the park fer a ride home...

and don't you bitches start point'n fingers...i wasn't there alone

by the time i hit my 30's...i knew i was goin' to become a romantic wreck

not once...not twice...and by the third time...i was no longer a laydee...
but i did it anyways...cuz i figered i needed to evolve beyond the bar stools and the bad morn'n after pills i picked up from the nite before...and cuz i was too lazy to commit suicide!

well...20 years later...and into my 40's...i feel like i'm back in my 20's and look'n like my 30's...but with alot less hope...alot less hair and alot less tolerance fer find'n a potential failure in my own age box...don't take that the wrong way though...i'm just not desperate and i'm not just gonna settle fer sangria and sausage links for breakfast anymore!

being hit with the recent recession has made a HUGE impact on the way we 40+ single non heterosexuals go about conduct'n our "free time"

no one can afford the $10 covers...or feel they should have to anymore

nor do we want to be bothered by some mo' with a $200 8-ball...who wants to go out and be the disco quee­n showing off their personally trained abs...under an over priced GUCCI tank to a bunch of twinks and tweekers

a magority of us have succombed to the online hook up...and for the most part...yer choices are between meth heads or manic depressants who've replaced their overhead lamps with dollar store tea lights in hopes you don't notice that they had to cancel their gym membership...

who's still try'n to pull off their tailored look that they wore 20 years ago...only now...they look like a bloated blood sausage ready to burst at the seams at any moment

and yer lucky if you will even meet the photochopped f*cker on the other end of the informational highway...cuz the superficia­lity bar has been raised so high...

that when ya finally do...they're usually try'n to recreate the image they sent ya by pose'n like some egyptian hieroglyphic anyways

at least in person...you have a chance to start a conversation....online...
it's just delete...delete...delete!

and speak'n of my own experiences...it's no surprise that viagra sales are soar'n when all the things that make a date with a new mo' interest'n these days are reduced to simple formula of boredom

and ps...btw...they ought to be personally erect'n a life size crucifix with my name on it...cuz 20 years ago...i was one of thee original governmental test bunnies who got that pill approved fer their erectcreational pleasures

so they to could be energized til the wee hours of the morn'n

recently...i received an email from some online porker with an axe to grind with me...who i never had met...that i can recall...from 10 years ago apparently

i thought...oh...what perfect time'n!

lett'n me know i looked like (and this is a direct quote) "a moron wear'n your shades" thru the downtown mousetrap systems on my daily breaks

cuz non verbal communicative passive aggressive behavior is so much more effective and an easier form of communication these days to understand (and annoyingly acceptable i might add) with almost everyone...than actually have'n to say face to face "ummm...wanna f*ck?"

don't EVEN get me started on unreturnable texts in a timely manner

basically...it breaks down like this...

online meet-n-greets are like stars from the 2nd cast of Designing Women

no matter how funny Jan Hooks and Julia Duffy were...they would never be able to live up to the originals...cuz they were no Delta Burke or Jean Smart

meet'n in person is much better than try'n to read a wreck wait'n to happen!

so it looks like i will need a new kinda "drug"...since my preferred method

apparently is...get this..."ILLEGAL"...plus it gets a bit spendy and is too much trouble try'n to guess the ratio to body frame just right
(ummm...insert laugh here if you haven't)

it's human nature...if you want it...just ask...i just might...if not...don't worry abod' it...and puhleez...get off my dress!

oh fer the mother of gawd! pt. 2 (david vs. goliath)

i figured it was time to put on my skates since the weather has dipped

and cuz officially...HELL has now dramatically frozen overnite kittens!

i agreed with...dare i say it...this guy for once in my naturally born non heterosexual lifetime for grill'n up a huge backhand sammich fer once

so lemme back it up...just fer a minute...fer those kittens try'n to get their ticket aboard the catch-up train...shall we!

so you remember all the hoopla over Ellen Denegeres last week right?

the PENNY...

and a bunch of backyard bitches with nothing better to do but fly around all day on their broomsticks...hunt'n fer trouble anywhere they can find it

well...as it happens...that pompus loud mouth pundit above ...actually defended Ellen and the Penny's decision to have her as their visual aide

against this close minded bible beat'n C*U*NEXT*TIME from FAUX NEWS

who defend'd those less-than-a-million...million backyard bitches boycott to remove immediately from their tv and sunday circular ads...Mrs. Degeneres

and serve'n up the 2nd round of backhand sammiches...my hero Howard

for putt'n his differences aside about his feel'ns fer Ellen and take'n time outta his busy scedule to toss his enormous ultimatum into the ring

among many other issues he has with other haters...especially these 2 pathetically political stepfford talk'n point bible beat'n backyard bitches

with an axe to grind against common sense of humanity and understand'n

think about it...just fer a minute...

though those "million bitches"...Shelly B...and this frothy fecal matter

might not be brand'n some beautifully hand crafted Smith n Wesson while give'n themselves an herbal essence hot oil treatment...

conduct'n the cult of personality disorders chorus...

or load'n up their pick-up truck with a couple of their closest friends

they're not any better than this guy...

or this german potatoe salad...

or those friendship ropers from the south in their crisp casper costumes

made outta 300 count sheets from the bed bath and beyond the reason of insanity store

sticks and stones may break bones...but SOME words will always hurt you!

HATE is HATE no matter how many pretty lil biblical bows you try and wrap yer "reason'n" up with

stand and deliver...

or PUHLEEZ...get off my dress!