Monday, August 24, 2015

OH C-A-N-A-D-A! pt 2

last week on OH C-A-N-A-D-A!...we all caught up now kittens?

let the show begin...

tonite's episode is bein' brought to you by the lovely makers of...
the original crapper trapper that'll make ya shit yer pants...when yer make that sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelain gods...leave'n the lou...and you...smell'n like a garden of earthly delights!
now in 4 invigorate'n aroma's...spritz the bowl before ya go...and know one will ever need to know!

and now...the excite'n conclusion to OH C-A-N-A-D-A! pt 2
needless to say...i would never surrender Dorothy's heels to the witch...
no matter how many airport monkeys were sent to intimidate me...

nor was i about to surrender my killer swarovski molested A double snake holder to the authorities...
so i ended up goin with #2 (which i'm sure Miss Vicki was doin at this point in the game...since i wasn't return'n her texts in a timely manner) and i finally got the full treatment that i deserved...with my very own personal escort (without have'n to spring fer dinner and drinks this time) to the bank and then back thru security...AGAIN! 

once me and my +1 were finally reunited...it didn't feel so good...
as i was still fume'n over the fact that even after all the interrogation i hadda suffer at the hands of some rectally challenged tit king...i still was denied my jeweled centerpiece...throw'n off my entire visual balance once i was in the presence of the BOY...i mean seriously...the gun between my thighs can shoot more bullets than this and they didn't even bother frisk'n that...but at least now we were on our way...it couldn't possibly get any worse...
that is UNTIL we were separated in separate seats on the plane...i swear it was like we were on our way to become rotisserie chicken...
cuz apparently i pissed off some puke bucket sitt'n behind me...toss'n an attitude...while we were reach'n altitude...fer the better part of the flight...
of course things weren't look'n any better in front of me...cuz i was forced to listen to these 2 Jim and Tammy Fakers recite'n their comic book sonnets to each other
it made me think fer a minute...fuck...i bet Amelia never hadda put up with this shit!
but after finally landing in the motor city...make'n our way thru the maze to pick up our spacious luxury rental...we were on our way to the radio station to get our tickets to the CULTURE CLUB show...and though GSP was fuck'n with us by take'n us on a tour of every po-dunk neighborhood...we made it to the radio station by the hair of our chiny chin chin...picked up the tickets and off we were to cross the border into canuck country

though the pit stop we took to down a couple of tacky cocktails to calm the restless natives inside us before cross'n the border...didn't really put me at ease...cuz i still was paranoid after the incident in pt 1...that we...or at the very least ME...would be detained and be subjected to some unwarranted 
anal cavity search...but once we turned in our proper identification to the border patrol...i was ready to take me chances and break the law...(all of a sudden...my brain was delusionally think'n in overtime..."i know my right ossifer...i'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search...and i ain't gotta call anyone right now!") but all went off without a hitch...even though we both secretly were ready to be his bitch!
once we entered the tunnel...i swear i was have'n flashback flapjacks fer breakfast and felt like i was Diana race'n thru the Pont de l'Alma...even though we were move'n at the pace of a paranoid slug
but what seemed like 3 hours later...really was maybe 15 minutes and we had finally reached our destination and ready to start our 1st vacation together...so i figured there was no better time than the present to lock up my dignity as not to tempt Miss V in the middle of the nite...just in case i decided i needed to give myself a chloroform cocktail
from the outside...i was in complete awe at how grand and majestic the hotel looked that we both were goin to finally fulfill our childhood dreams at in 24 hrs...
the inside of CAESARS PALACE was even far more breath-take'n in all it's opulently excessive grandeur than i could ever had imagined (and trust me...my imagination knows almost no boundaries)
the view from our hotel suite was beyond spectacular...we were up so high...i swore fer a moment i could almost see Russia...look'n across the river into our homeland was completely majestic...to see the almost nonexistent dilapidation in the motor city almost brought a tear to my eye...i said ALMOST!

but of course...i let Miss Victor/Victoria book the hotel fer us in advance...
and she decided we needed to save our benjamins and cozy up into somethin' that was a lil more accommodate'n fer her taste buds budget...you know...just so she wouldn't have to apply fer food stamps again (ps...i ain't belittle'n that program...i've been there myself a time or 2)
at least we got the suite on the top floor that was high enough...we could sleep in peace without hear'n all the blood curdlin' screams down below from the workers gett'n off their nite shift fer not bring'n home enough "bacon" fer their boss...the room had a very rustic war torn Sarajevo sheekness about it...it even had a bidet behind the couch...but after mistake'n one fer a drink'n fountain back at the Conrad Hilton along the Thames River on my 1st excursion to London back in 1995...
i opted to take a nite walk to the loo when warranted...as not to disturb Vicksters incessant removal of the red wood forest

by nite fall we decided in was time to venture out...after we both struggled fer hours to no avail...try'na get a signal on our cell to find a single sympathetic sex-craved canuk in desperadoville (formerly known as SCRUFF)...so off to the gayest "hot spot" in town fer crapoake nite at the RED BAR...NOT!...but it was fun flirt'n with the locals...with the 10 people that showed up that nite...(include'n us in that) 4 of em bought us drinx and 
shots...so it wasn't a total waste of a nite...everything was rinsed and repeated pretty much the next morn'n...with the exception that TODAY WAS THE DAY that we're were gonna make our dreams come true...so we shlemieled and schalemazeled our way thru the desolate city til we stumbled upon this lovely lil bistro fer a bite...and an hour later as we were gett'n ready to head out...i finally hooked a canuck...but he was just no oridinary ferry...oh no kittens...
fer not only was this fruit roll-up incredible edibley delicious with his british accent...the perkiest A double snake you could rest your cocktail on and beautifully almond shaped baby brown eyes with lashes like a venus fly trap...though i try not to judge people based solely on their looks alone...when it's much more superficial to judge someone's worth by what they possess...for he possessed the holy grail of the fashion world...thee GUESS LOOK BOOK!
oh jesus...mary kate and ashley simpson...i am not worthy!
I AM NOT W-O-R-T-H-Y!!!

i knew i couldn't let this little tulip sniffer outta my sight fer the rest of the nite...my search was over...i'm under 50...and i'm goin to be married!...
or at the very least...have a merry ol' time...thankfully our tour guide felt comfortable enough in our presence to keep us company before the evenin's festivities...(and ever though i may be thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...pleez kittens...my title can't hold a candle to the LOOK BOOK and it's possessor) so we meandered around til we found this cute lil vintage clothin' shop garage sale of crapola...run by this Edna look'n debbie downer...who calls the suicide hotline once a month and gets put on hold...she'd pretty much been on a morphine drip since the 80's...
tell'n us how her hometown let her down and how she was seriously look'n at the BIG D 
Miss V simply repied "honey...i'm ALWAYS look'n fer the BIG D!" 
unfortunately we left without purchase...but told her to hang in there...the next day we found out she took my response literally

tee minus 3 hours...and we hadda get ready fer our meet-n-greet...
so while Victorious went back to cut down a couple more forests (which she ain't fool'n no one)...her hormones were rage'n like a priest on a playground...and since i had already found my very own afternoon delight fer the midnite hour...i figered i'd leave her to her own defenses...while me and my barely over the legal limit jailbaiter went fer a couple cocktails...
turns out...he's been around the world...but i-i-i can find my baby...if i'd stop and look...inside his BOOK...hmmm...could i? should i?...as charm'n as he was...and seriously...he really was...
i just wasn't in the mood to flunk any oral exams...i had one thing on my mind that nite...and that was fulfill'n my destination...not fulfill'n his oral fixation

back at the hotel...i feverishly rushed to get my self together fer the nite...huff'n n puff'n like a lil pig in heat...hope'n that my hose would fall down...make'n sure not to cut my throat or cut the cheese in front of
company...the time had finally come (since i wasn't) to take that long walk to Caesars...i opted to spring fer a helicopter ride to avoid the traffic my presence would most likely cause...but we ended up schlepp'n our asses the 2 blocks without any incident...or any security

as we ascend up the escalator...and made out way to the fountain to await fer further instructions and our VIP passes...we...well specifically I...stuck out like an S&M genital wart amongst the sea of age'n has-beens and...
left at the alter train-wrecks...who still insist on try'n to pull off their puberty looks

at last...the moment was finally upon us...so we took our final selfie...
and bid ado to my new boo...before me...Vicky and about 10 other lucky bastards ascended to the belly of the casino...where we were corralled like rabid stalkers and give'n strict rules...absolutely NO selfies with BOY or the band...wait...ummm...
X-C-U-S-E-ME?

they said that they had an in house photographer that would take out pix in our groups and email them to us at a later date...WHEW!...we made sure we were at the end of the line as to make sure we would be able to marinate in BOY's essence as much as possible...before security would use the cattle prod on us...a million things we're goin thru my head...
but i made damn sure this time i would not pull a Linda Blair on his feet like i did in '95 at 1st Ave...or have any sorta deathly sniffles like i had in the past chance meet'n with BOY...as the line grew smaller and smaller...my nerves were strangle'n me...and as the last group of stalkers in front of us got their pix take'n...i looked up and seen my past...now in my presence...my heart skipped a beat...where the fuck is my pocket defibrillator?
i wanted somethin' witty to be remembered by...i didn't dare let him know i threw up all over his feet in '95...or bumped into him on the streets of London after his TABOO musical and was unable to talk due to the fact i had strep at the time...all i could think of to say was "which one of you is BOY?'...
but i ended up goin all Holly Hunter in the Piano on myself...
bondage pants $150...bondage corset $100...lace top $50...this momentous moment in time...PRICELESS!

as we left backstage to find our seats...one of BOY's assistants stopped me...and said BOY would sign one of my pix i bought before the show since i was the only one who put any effort into my look...(insert my 13 year old giggles here)...i mean really at this point...autographs don't hold the same value as they once did...but i was over the moon that i was still 
the only one that got one...and that i got one at all...once the lights in the audience went down and the stage lights lit up...the world could've been fall'n apart and no one inside the theater would've give'n a shit!...it was pure bliss...they sang almost every one of their massive hits (though i was really hope'n to hear "WAR SONG") about 5 new songs from their new album "TRIBES" due out next year...each one was better than the next...my personal fav was "MORE THAN SILENCE" and they did about 2 covers...everyone include'n the band was have'n the time of their life...BOY's voice and the rest of CULTURE CLUB were absolutely amaze'n

as they took their last bow and the lights flooded the theater and everyone started scamper'n like cockroaches...i was still soak'n it all in exactly...
what just happened...out in the lobby everyone was give'n me the wonky eye...as if i had the "in" fer them to get backstage...and though i would've loved to hang out backstage with them til the wee hours of the morn'n...i'd reached me threshold in my caged corset...and felt like an iraqi give'n a sponge bath by the BUSH/Cheney henchmen...

so as Vic decided to join the lung cancer society outside...
i was left to fend for myself amongst the sea of stalkers...lick'n their chops and eye'n me up like i was their last meal...the 1st set of tweekers tried invite'n me to some "after party"...but i'm sorry...the only "party'n" i go to involves cake and a clown...it was time fer these cute cockroaches to check back into their "roach motel"

next up was this mother/daughter tag team that completed epitomized...
style...sophistication...and lil too much of the veno if ya catch my drift...a lovely couple of canuks that went on about the concert...then ME...(oh puhleez don't!...stop!...i mean...pleez don't stop...continue)...well all seemed fine...then Dorothy confessed how much she liked my look...and how much her husband would love my look...
hmmm...that could by interpreted in sooo many different scenarios...but since i was just visit'n...i figered this was justa wholesome conversation amongst Boy George fans...so i took a swig of my emergency brain pine-sol in my back pocket...then suddenly it turned into some sorta kamikaze conversation and went into uncharted territories that someone like ME should NEVER have to experience in their lifetime...now i rarely EVER get shocked by anything...but all of a sudden this smooth operator says to me...and this is a direct quote..."but i squirt farther"
EWWWWW...NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!...CALGON TAKE ME AWAAAAAAAAY!

i swear i couldn't get that image outta my mind fast enough...
so we popped into this fancy shmancy VU bar fer a couple of mind erasers...so i could collect my thoughts...and ferget that image that is still ingrained into my mind as i type this to you kittens (EWWWWWW!)...Miss V decided she was feel'n lucky...so she sashayed away to the slots and me and my take-a-long cookie decided to sashay ourselves away...and ended up walk'n along the riverfront...until somehow we ended up back at the hotel and we started...
(insert yer filthy lil imagination here if you must) 
then Vicky Ticky Taffy walks in just as my sky rockets were in flight...but there would be no afternoon delight...even if it was after midnite...it felt like i was more on a kamikaze mission...
 as i dove across the bed with my dignity on display and yanked up my bloomers faster than grannie runn'n away from Yosemite Sam...
kittens...this was never meant to be!

by morn'n we had forgotten what had just transpired hours earlier...or at least we pretended to have forgotten...and went on about our day and...
decided to take a tour of the motor city...so we hopped a bus...crossed the river into Greek town and had some tasty nibbley things before check'n out the local sites and stumbled upon some sport'n playground bein' guarded by these gigantor felines...guzzled down a few more colorful spirits then popped into the pimpest store in town and V was beyond generous to go halvsies on this snappy polka dotted pimp shirt fer lil ol' me

by morn'n it was time to bid au revoir to lovely Windsor and schlep our A double snakes back to Miseryapolis...but all in all...this trip was THEE trip i'll never forget...from bein' able to relive'n my youth...even if it was but fer a mere moment in time...hang'n out with the LOOK BOOKER...meet'n the the "squitor" (EWWWW...why did i remind me again)...that very sad sally 
at the clothin' shop...oh and i almost fergot...the spiced rum lady at Caesars...she was a hoot and a half wasn't she Vicki?
but this vacation wouldn't have been as complete without the cool menthol style'ns of MISS VICKI...who i will be eternally grateful fer hopp'n along with me on this journey and will go to the ends of the earth with her if she wants...i just gotta remember to put up the "DO NOT ENTER FER YER OWN GOOD" sign on the door before

**LATE BREAK'N NEWS*
oh shit...Miss Vicky about chewed my A double snakes off cuz i conveniently fergot to mention it was also gay pride the same weekend...
but then again...so did most of the mo's in Windsor...seriously...i've had more people in my bed...i mean...the turn-out it looked more like a sad Lilith Fair

so there ya have it...thanx fer come'n along fer the ride kittens...
now get off my dress!