Monday, February 1, 2016

Whale'n & Palin

so it's that time of the year to finally get started on that challenge...
that you been shrugg'n off all month...that'll change yer life fer the long haul...and i ain't talk'n about build'n yer body into some mouth water temple fer pure artistically animal intentions
or try'na find the perfect pair of suspenders to keep yer plump A double snakes from scrape'n on the sidewalk

no...i'm talk'n about somethin' that's much more spectacular than...
the root'n toot'n west 

i sooo wish i was talk'n about another puppet and her master...but just like Wayland Flowers & Madam...these 2 baboons career i'm talk'n about will end up dead in the water by the time this whole political fiasco is over

i'm talk'n about an easily effective way of turn'n yer cranial contents into a bowl of mindless bobble headed mashed potato soup...
with this year's most hilarious comedy series of the season and winner of the coveted kankersoredashian award

yes kittens...just when you thought Miss P was nothin' but...


now everyone outta be treated and take'n seriously and fairly when yer...

so DUMP TRUCK decided to skip the debates in Iowa last week...

instead...he decided to do the next best thing that no one has ever done...
thankfully...the genius known as Steven Colbert...finally got an early 
xmas gift last week...when the DUMPSTER decided to remove himself from the diabolical clutches of one Miss Kelly @ Faux News...and to rationally and calmly do a one on one with the only masterdebater he can relate to...
(and quite frankly...the only one he cares about deeply)...the other nite to show the root'n-toot'n trumpeters canker sores of the country...just exactly where he stands on important issues that everyone is so so very desperately wait'n fer with halitosis and their holy bible color'n book...at the Drake University in Iowa while the other clowns were duke'n it out at THAT OTHER unimportant debate clown show that no one was watch'n

the BIG D will find out who exactly is still gonna be board'n his train tonite

well there ya have it kittens...now i know after all these hard hitt'n...
journalistic jives...you may think i've already made up my mind as to what party deserves the win the keys to the castle...
BUTT...(ooooh kaaaay!)

BIG HOUSE come this novem...

i hope most out there realize by now...this freeze dried fouled mouth fool...
is waaay beyond his expiration date at this point...
but this is 'murica...and everyone should have their due process...
i'm not here just to impress...
i also want ya to get off my dress!

Monday, January 25, 2016

one MOORE time

i was never much of a documentary fanatic viewer back in the day…
outside of thee spectacularly insightful insight into one of the most famous and agrueably thee most musically entertain'n women of the last 100 years in
"TRUTH or DARE"
 
political views and socialistic opinions gave me indigestion...
plus...i never had any reason or desire to cast my vote unless it was for best music video

of course that all changed in 2003…at my friend Peetrinella's Oscar party…
when we hadda pick the winner fer an unwarranted category in my opinion...well cuz "TRUTH OR DARE" wasn't nominated after all...instead a fairly unknown documentaryist...(and documented fan in M's follow-up documentary "I'M GOING TO TELL YOU A SECRET") well in my circles anyways...won for best documentary

Peetrinella told me i would love this movie as much as she did…
she had me under her spell...and immediately i was obsessed...(very few people have pin pointed my crave'ns like Peetrinella has) so i called in sick the next day and stopped by the local blockbuster store to rent the movie (i did the same when the 1st 3 seasons of the "SEX AND THE CITY" series came out on dvd again thanx to Peetrinella's recommendations)

it's been 7 years since this master mind...gave us a piece of his mind with

but Michael's brilliance will FINALLY be back this feb 12th...
with his highly anticipated...brilliantly brave masterpiece... 
"WHERE TO INVADE NEXT"
this time around Michael not only proves the illusion is just a chaotic confusion we've been fed fer years...but it's a "sprawl'n didactic polemic wittily disguised as a European travelogue" or at least that's what some writer fer the New York Times said

wonder'n what to get yer sweetheart this valentine's day?
fuck the chocolates that'll just end up give'n em that ever so popular cottage cheese ass over time or the shitty jewellery that they'll just trade in at the closest pawn shop fer the latest used iphone...instead...give em a history lesson you can both enjoy...by call'n in sick and have'n yerself a MICHEAL MOORE marathon by check'n out his other older jems like...




 "SICKO"


also check out his lil known tv series "THE AWFUL TRUTH"

before take'n yer husband/wife/fuckbud/secretary/out-a-towner/polianna pole puffer to see his latest eye opener 

there are those kittens who say that he twists the truth for his own agenda...
but hate to point out the fact…SO DO YOU!

Michael's rhetoric is refresh'n and his "spin" is complete slap stick on the
saccharinated speeches almost every polictical figure out there wants you to believe this political season...so they can have control...with just enough of his undeniable truth syrup that most don't wanna hear!

now get off my dress!

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

FAB ABS

to tell you the truth…this is my least fav-o-rit muscle group to work on when 
sweat'n it out in whoreville the gym...sure it's the core that keeps you together and in good posture…

and many out there would probably feel much better about themselves if they could achieve…at the very least…less baggage to carry around their waistline

we've been conditioned and fixated on achieve'n that merely impossible photochopped perfectional abs of steel...thanx to market'n gimmicks and undergarment ads fer years

tell'n us that we can go from flab…

to fab…in mere minutes a day…by simply loose'n yer lunch and doin like a million sit-ups 

yea…reality check!…the only people able to devote this sorta time and effort...are narcissistically untouchable mr. bubble models

and equally unbelievabley sizzle'n werewolves

no time to make it to the gym?...no problem!
corporations have been invent'n ways to cheat the heat of a work-out regime to get that toned torso ever since the early 16th century…see kittens...even a creepy middled aged pygmy man in a shirley temple wig and hosiery can look incredibly attractive with one of these suckers on

i say…that's a crock of shit!

you wanna get that simple…easily attainable ab work-out on the comfort of yer own couch without all those messy power drinks or clunky roll out gyms?
well...you can always spend yer money on one of these dust collectors...
but Jane Fonda will have nothing to do with this production

fer truly professional results...all you need to do is rewatch the drunken overtures and drug addicted antics of the best british comedy ever…

then get ready fer the event of the summer...with the release of...

starr'n Jennifer Saunders as the incredibly vivacious...pill popp’n...Lacroix obsessed...high profile international PR guru and not so fabuless mother...
Edwina Monsoon who changed her name to "Edina" but known also as "Eddy"...who is always hopelessly cling'n onto her youth and beauty by try'n whatever bizzare fad she can get her hands onto...while sipp'n the sauce...and the occasional chemical enhancements to get thru the day

and Joanne Lumley as the chain smoke'n...coke sniff’n...drunken magazine editor...harlet and former glamour model and beehived beauty...
Eurydice Colette Clytemnestra Dido Bathsheba Rabelais Patricia Cocteau Stone known also as "Patsy" or "Pats" for short...an ex Bond girl and Eddy's schoolmate and best friend...enabler and codependent to Eddy's additions

together their boozy bitch slaps are like a warm hug on a cold winters nite
and will keep ya cacklin' like crazy til the cows come home...and break down yer belly fat like a bush fire on a hot summer's nite

with Julia Sawalha as Eddy's simply dressed...level headed daughter
Saffron...also known as "Saffy"..."sweety da'ling"...or "bitch troll from hell"...as Patsy so affectionately refers to her...Saffy is the voice of reason making her overly serious and a bit bitter towards her mother and Patsy's close friendship on a constant basis and always comes second fiddle to her brother Serge...who is only seen in 1 episode but spoken thru-out the series

and June Whitfield as Eddy's mother and sort of surrogate mother to Patsy
also known as "old woman" by Eddy..."gran" by Saffy and "Mrs. M" by Patsy...she's despised by Eddy but loved by Saffy and has a bit of a kleptomaniac personality regard'n Eddy's household items that disappear from time to time only to end up at some charity shop

Jane Horrocks as Eddy's spastic bird brain personal office assistant
Bubbles...with her thick northern british accent and completely bizarre sense of style and her uncanny ability to forget names of simple objects or understand basic concepts...her main function is simply to flatter Eddy's vanity by comparison

Jane also doubles as Bubble's look-a-like and cheeky cousin...Katy Grin
she's a slick but aggressive and arrogant television presenter who shows
no real affection for anyone and gleefully throws out bitchy backhanded compliments when she gets the chance

Christopher Ryan...as Eddy's 2nd husband and father to Eddy's son Serge
Marshall Turtle has his ups and downs thru-out the series as a hollywood playboy and movie producer...
turned television evangelist and a bit child like and submissive when he marries his authoritarian american wife Bo

for you history buffs out there...Christopher was college con artist and group leader from another earlier and equally hilarious 80's british comedy
as Mike "the cool person" who never involved himself in the drama of his other flatmates and constantly said cheap and usless puns that made no sense

these boozey brauds spew out the best lines with fierceness and forceness
turn'n yer mid section into a sleeky and saucy silhouette...(with the lights out of course)

some of Eddy's (and my fav-o-rit)...most memorable quotes :
"cancel my aromatherapy...my psychotherapy...my reflexology...my osteopath...my homoeopath...my naturopath...my crystal reading...my shiatsu...my organic hairdresser...and see if i can be re-birthed next thursday afternoon"

"oh...don't be so stupid...smoke can't get in there darling...smoke can't touch the baby...if it could you'd have come out looking like prosciutto...believe me"

"god!...here i am...your mother...poised for your first sexual experience and night after night...dry bloody sheets!...i'm sorry darling...but i don't want a little moustached virgin for a daughter...so do something about it!"

some of Patsy's (and my fav-o-rit) most memorable quotes...
"one snap of my fingers and i can raise hemlines so high the world's your gynaecologist"

"the last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford clinic"

"just when my life hit a good patch...along you came...you miserable piece of flesh...you should've ended up in the dust bin...the incinerator was too good for you...you know when i heard that Eddy was pregnant...i told her to abort! abort! abort! abort!...i said chuck it down the pan...bring me a knitting needle!"

their seething social commentary with a hint of blatant bitterness for the beautiful and young...climax'n into ironic down pours of brassy humor...

old and new fans will completely appreciate the poetic pleasantries of these 2 middle aged drunken dames from across the pond like an old friend that you'll wanna watch over and over again and never tire of

if...after remind'n yerself...you decide you can't or won't get their humor...
pack up yer piss poor personality and pooch...get off yer couch...
and get off my dress!