Monday, January 26, 2015

REBEL at HEART

since the dawn of the new millennium...the music industry has desperately needed a new gimmick and has had more leaks than a June Allison parade

but with a career spann'n across the last 4 decades...
there is no deny'n that thee only QUEEN of the dance floor is... 
MADONNA

though there are those who prey to see M fail at what she does best...

with the release of her much anticipated 13th studio album on march 10th...

M is already back on top once again without even release'n her full album...
but leave it to the QUEEN to always be 2 steps ahead of everyone in the biz...release'n 6 finished trax of the 19 on the album early fer her eager fans...with some of them already shoot'n to #1 in 49 countries

oddly enough...my instant fav's just happen to be all 6 of her songs...
(feature'n Nicki Minaj)


.
M will be perform'n her first single "LIVING FOR LOVE" at the 57th Grammy Awards on feb.8th

so why not reflect on some of her most incredible past live performances :
the entire pimple parade of generation X was glued to their magnovox in 1984 fer M's 1st ever live performance at the 1st ever Mtv Awards sing'n "LIKE A VIRGIN"

 after come'n off  her 2nd world tour in 1990...M went back to 1690...and blew the pre and post pimple parade away once again at the Mtv awards with her smash dance floor staple
"VOGUE

marinate'n in Marilyn Monroesque realness fer the 1st time ever perform'n at the Oscars...M slaughtered the competition by sing'n this Sondheim smash from Dick Tracy in 1991
"SOONER OR LATER

dressed as Donetella Versace's sexier sister from another mister...M flew across the pond to perform the acid influenced house beat written by icelandic beauty Bjork at the 1995 Brit awards
"BEDTIME STORIES

written by Weber and Rice...M graced the Oscar stage once again sing'n like a love struck songbird in this beautifully embroidered Dolce and Gabanna duvet in 1997...belt'n out
 "YOU MUST LOVE ME

almost 20 year after her 1st live television award show debut...M proved she still wore the pants in the musical family...by show'n these 2 mickey mouse bitches how it's done at the 2003 Mtv Awards...with a mash-up of
"LIKE A VIRGIN/HOLLYWOOD

by 2006...M pulled a Jessica Rabbit outta her brassier and shared the stage with animated rock band Gorillaz...rock'n out with an incredible mashed potato mix of
 "FEEL GOOD INC/HUNG UP"

and get off....HOLD UP...this just in...

**********UPDATE**********
it's good to know there is some humanity left in the world...or at the very least...know'n that a good ol' threat of yer anal entrance bein invaded by an army of mongolian piss ants...will make someone think fer just a minute...
perhaps i was bein' just a wee bit harsh in last weeks episode...BUT...
"sometimes Delores...you have to be a high-riding bitch to survive...sometimes...being a bitch is all a woman has to hang onto"

my beloved jacket with all it's not-so-rich history attached to it...
was returned unharmed...without a ransom note nor without battle scars of a bad break-in or break-up...
when i popped into the bar the scene of the crime after catch'n the "I LOVE LUCY" play on fri nite...(ps...between you and me kitten...RICKY and FRED were the only things to talk about...i just think they should'a used the iconic episodes "candy factory" and "vitavegamin"...it just didn't capture me like i wanted it to...but thanx again HB fer the tix)

moocho gra-cious to the staffer or staffee fer keep'n an eye open

thanks to all those that may or may not have participated in the safe return of my jacket

though the candle light vigil was a lot smaller than i had anticipated...it still was a nice gesture...thanx Em 

my very intoxicated friend that even'n has begged to be forgiven...
fer leave'n my precious behind...and it shall be granted here in from this day forward

but i personally wanna thank the bi-polar blow monkey who came to his (or hers...let's be fair) senses and decided they enjoy their A-double snakes to  be invaded by "other" less bite'n things

since there was no name and or address left behind to collect the reward of
a personally autographed photo of thee unintentionally internationally unknown performing illusionist of my own universe...
i decided to make a small donation in yer honor at the bar

now get off my dress!

Monday, January 19, 2015

PORN STAR

how can i say this delicately?...ummm...i cant...so i'm just gonna say it....
SOME PEOPLE ARE ABSOLUTE COCK SUCK'N MUTHA FUCK'N PIG SLUTT'N ASSHOLE FUCKTARDS!

i was enjoy'n a perfectly slightly intoxicate'n nite out with a non sexual friend of mine this past weekend...when i ran into another...perhaps maybe...a sexual friend down the road when there's nothing better to do...and we decided to hit the dance floor and show the instant oatmeal generation...
how it's done...as we were gett'n hot and heavy into the beat of the thump'n music under the pulsate'n lights...i removed my dignity winter jacket that i have cherished for over 20 years and gave it to my non sexual friend to hold on to...
well after 10 or so minutes...i was done sweat'n it out and ready to bounce...and sure enough...so did my non sexual friend apparently...so i found a ride home assume'n he was kind enough to bring my prized jacket home with him and i would get it the next day or so...or so i thought...
when he texted me the follow'n day say'n he didn't have it...I LOST IT...and drank a whole 6 pack of blueberry flavored red bull to calm my nerves...but seriously...i needed to be sedated

ultimately i know it is MY responsibility to look after MY own shit...so seriously...save the speeches...but that don't give SOME ABSOLUTE COCK SUCK'N MUTHA FUCK'N PIG SLUTT'N ASSHOLE FUCKTARD or TARDESS the right to own a part of my history...just so they can look "cool"
so i did what ANY insane unrational person would do in a situation like this....

i contacted the local bar i was at that fateful nite...and once i had alerted the staff at the bar in question...

i then proceeded to contact the police...

the FBI...

the CIA...

the CSI...

DOG the BOUNTY HUNTER...

JESSICA FLETCHER...

Pizza LUCE' 
(hey this is hard work...i needed to keep my strength up)

set up an all point's bulletin for the tri-state area...called in an amber alert...
but apparently i couldn't do that...well cuz an actual child had to have been wear'n it at the time...i faxed the airport fer any out bound flights leave'n the country with my precious jacket

and mobilized the troops!

here are the only pictures in existence to this ancient early 90's artifact...
(my very dear friend PEETRINELLA is to the left...me in said stolen jacket is to the right)
notice how the jacket just sets off the entire look...without the jacket...my "cool" factor is completely kaput!

this is the last known picture take'n by my friend on that fateful nite...
as i went to the lil wrangler's room to powder my nose...thankfully he was stare'n at my hot bubble A double snakes that i worked hard on fer the past 6 years...in the back of the jacket in bold letters across the bottom says "PORN STAR"...hey ya did 10 movies...ya got a free coat...
(insert proverbial comic relief here)
 above that font is a blue circle...and inside said circle is a red star and inside said star is a silhouette of a presumably nekid woman

imagine if you will...
Linus without his blanket...

Pee Wee without his bike...

Magnum without his mustache!

IT JUST DON'T MAKE SENSE!

i am a very rational and forgive'n person and i would hope the person or persons involved in this heinous jacketnapp'n would do the right thing after they realized it doesn't fit them at all and simply return it to the SALOON bar manager or staff...no questions asked and trust me all will be fergiven

but if you decide you just can't bare to part with said jacket...
i will put a curse on you fer every minute you are still roam'n this earth...
and hope an army of mongolian piss ants invade yer anal entrance...cause'n you thee most unimaginable bowel movements you've ever experienced

i've put a call into the White House...and i'm almost 100% not positive...
OBAMA will be add'n this into his state of the union speech...
(cross yer fingers...how cool huh?)

even the QUEEN has decided to lower the flag at buckingham palace at half mast

i am plead'n with my legions of kittens all around the world...if you ever wanted to find a reason to protest fer the injustice that has happened in this mad world...especially cuz it has happened TO ME...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...
THIS IS IT!!!
stand up in unity...contacted yer congressmen...call yer clergymen...
a simple candle light vigil would show you cared...
and perhaps CELINE DION could break down and weep while sing'n some sorrowful hymn

seriously...you don't want me to contact the gay mafia...
it won't end pretty!

ANYONE with ANY information about my jacket...pleez contact me @

email: irisheyes3313@yahoo.com
FB: MATTRESS FEVER
or share yer suspicions in the comment section below
(you can remain anonymous and enter to win a framed autographed picture of the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe fer the office...gym locker...wallet or boudoir)

now find MY JACKET and get off my dress!