Monday, May 18, 2015

under the rainbow

with all the hubbub about the impend'n decision in regards to...
the SUPREME COURT recognize'n non heterosexual unification thru-out the land in a few short weeks...in order to milk the system of tax and health bennies like the rest of the population has been doin fer years...i thought it was time to play a lil game...since essentially that's what marriage really is
so i decided to pull out my ouija board and try to get in contact with a popular game show host from my pre-teen pansy past...and i was lucky enough to contact the original canker sore collector...
Richard Dawson...but cuz of copyright infringements and a ban from Mark Goodson to ever host any game show with his name attached to it...even from beyond the grave...i hadda make a couple of adjustments...so now it's time to play..
hands on yer buzzer...top 5 answers on the board...
we surveyed 100 people...
name an absolutely insane reason why 2 consent'n anal astronauts or home depot card carry'n lezbitronics should not be able to tie the not...
can i see DROUGHT?
yer on the board...do you wanna play or pass?
Richard...i'm gonna play cuz we're a CASPER fear'n family...and we know he would want us to win

ok i see yer name is Richard too...huh...well how 'bout we just call ya Dick so there's no confusion...that ok with you Dick?...name an absolutely insane reason why 2 consent'n anal astronauts or home depot card carry'n lezbitronics should not be able to tie the not...got 1 of the 4 answers left?

gimme some THERAPY...
good answer...you know that surprises me...but move'n on

Gertrude...i'm guess'n you applied yer poly grip this morn'n didn't you my love...can i getta kiss? there's 2 answers on the board...in order to stay in the game...gimme 1 of the 3 answers left up there on the board sweetness

let me see WEBSITE...
well...to be fair Gertrude...if the owners of that site weren't spread their secretaries thighs...while spread'n their vicious lies around the internet...they wouldn't be in this mess to begin with...now would they?

how's my beautiful Norma doin? you know Norma...has anyone ever told you if you put a simple little L at the end of yer name...you might actually make sense?...just a thought...ok Norma...you gotta answer fer me love? by the way....i love that enchant'n smell yer wear'n...what do you call it?

if it's there...yer still in the game...can i get a TRAIN CRASH?
luckily only 3 others mental cases believed you...just barely made it by those stubborn hairs on yer chiny chin chin

hello Richard...i just wanna give a shout out to all my local parishioners in Macon Georgia...my gingivitis is finally under control...i'd be as pickled as a peach on sunday if i could get a kiss from the late great Mr. Dawson...can ya hold onto my teeth while i pucker up?...and make it a good'n Richard...

ok Henrietta...i need an answer love...my hemorrhoids are really act'n up...
well Richard...i think i know the #1 answer...
is it cuz they worship that lil harlot that's hitt'n the road this year?
sorry my love...but that is a strike...gimme another answer and make it a good one this time..

if it's there...you'll win the game dear...let'em eat CAKE?
CONGRATULATIONS...yer family may have won the game...but you've also proved to yerself and those who follow in yer idiocy...you have ALOT to learn...anyone that believes that the definition of marriage dates back to biblical time and was meant to join a man and woman...HA!
let the schooling begin...
marriage originally originated as an agreement between 2 MEN and was specific to a business partnership...THAT'S RIGHT...2 MEN...it evolved to include more than business as is the case when supposedly Saint Serge married Saint Bacchus during a wedding ceremony witnessed by Jesus Christ. (that is if you wanna go that comic book route)
applying the modern day metric that 10% of the population is non heterosexual and bein' there were far less people on our planet back then...it was even more uncommon to see same gender couples....that people would come to forget the origin of marriage...emerge'n was a disdain for all things different from oneself or one's family...marriage eventually became limited to an arrangement decided by parents between first cousins...male and female and ultimately between non-related male and female
in short...it isn't gays and lesbians who perverted the tradition of marriage...it was the non homosexuals...first with their practice of incest and then with insecure short sighted views of this world and an inability to embrace...to learn from...and to evolve cuz of the magnificent differences in CASPER's "alleged" design of each person....but arranged hetero incest coupling?...seriously?...that's just FUCKED UP!

well...that's it fer this special episode of "FUCKED UP FEUD"....
now get off my dress!

Monday, May 11, 2015

reflections: 2 fans in Afghanistan!

who knew my whimsical words of washed out wisdom would touch sooo many kittens from every nook and cranny from across the globe

from the Big Apple to the Minne-Apple...

from Cincinnati to Seattle...

come'n up with weekly headlines was just half the battle

from a town called Turkey to the monks in Nepal

from the Maple Leaf lanes to the vineyards in France

touch'n all of these kittens was just merely by chance

from the British Monarch to the Irish Republic...

from far away New Zealand  to the Land Down Under...

who knew that i would become such a  worldly wonder

from Russia with Love to the Syrian nation

from the Amazon jungles to the mountains of Peru

i'm so very elated to have touched someone like you

from Juan Valdez to the Chilean sights

from Pinata parties to the African horn

some of my fans have even done porn

from the sweats shops in India to the hot Arabian Dessert

from the Pyramids of Egypt to the Great Walls of China

my fans are my friends...well...sorta friends...kinda

but the biggest surprise of all you see

are my 2 biggest fans in Afghanistan who read me!

i've never had the pleasure...but heard about you in the news

i hope my words have touched you somehow...and washed away yer blues

i wonder if yer hungry...or just part of the war

were you on duty?...or was i just a bore?

are you part of the Taliban?...or were you just on vacation?

i guess either way...i'm happy to be part of that war torn nation

perhaps you were just in the middle of the crisis

or perhaps you were just drawn into the middle of ISIS

those miles may tear us...from far far apart

i want you to know...you mean to most to my heart

so 3 cheers to you...and all of the rest

it's time to bid auf wiedersehen ...now get off my dress!

Monday, May 4, 2015

i've got a golden ticket!

it's very rare fer me to attend'n an open'n...
well...not without bein mobbed by a paps smear and accompanied by the proper spermicidal jams and jellies first...ummm wait...that's another blog

hold on to yer maxi pad kittens...cuz this week i'm hopp'n aboard the PG plane and try'n my hardest NOT to fly into hysterics by whip'n up a batch of my fav-o-rit turrets casserole...sprinkled with colorful metaphors and animalistic pleasures...but don't worry...you can use yer seat as a flotation device...should i deem it necessary to serve such a casserole to my guests
awww...i said H-A-R-D!

i received a desperate phone call late one nite a while back...from my pleasantly parental sis-n-law...practically plead'n fer my presence to see my charismatic 10 yr old nephew Ben play the lead role as Charlie Bucket in...
the revival of CHARLIE the CHOCOLATE FACTORY…

that also would include my enchant'n nieces...Jessica...
in a very "live to tell" inspired laura ashley dress as a towns person...
 and Amanda...
as one of the deliciously captivate'n over grown oompa loompa's

finally i could see someone else inside the chocolate factory fer a change...
instead of me punch'n into some Charlie's chocolate factory!

though this production would take place in some small po-dunk...but very quaint lil Newhart meets Green Acres town in Cheddar county a few short hours away...i was not about to risk my life in my death trap on wheels...
in my fav-o-rit heels...so luckily fer me...my very gracious but incredibly selfish VP...who desperately needs to join some sorta HEDWIGGERS anonymous group after catch'n ALL lead performances...on BROADWAY...WITHOUT MEEEE...(gosh darn fiddle sticker)
generously donated me his behemoth death trap with the booster rocket engine so i could make it to the performance in one piece on time

after arrive'n in helltown my hometown...i met up with my brother...his wife...my perky niece Hailey and my sports enthusiast nephew Sean...
and off we went...over the river and thru some woods...past someone's grama's house we'd go...until we reached Whitehall Memorial High

by the time we arrived...i had assumed we would be driven to the back door entrance...or at the very least i would be...bein' the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that i am...so i wouldn't have to be shuffled in with the unpedrigreed filth that could qualify fer handicapped park'n parade of well dressed wal-mart pageant contestants...but apparently...this venue was neither equipped...
with security nor use to red carpet scenarios...so i would have to learn how to blend in with the polyblends!

once we found our seats...i immediately logged onto the local chat room...
to see if there was ANY intelligent life out there...turns out...pick'ns were slim...so i sat back to enjoy my nite the best way i could...but just in case...i secretly stashed away breath mints from the Eva Braun collection

as the theater lights dimmed amongst the sea of oglivie home perms and mismatched poly-blends...the stage lit up just like any broadway production
that i actually set my eyes to stunned...cuz frankly...i was stunned...fer a small town production…it had a pretty amaze'n budget…the set designs were very off broadway...and the costumes could've easily been mistaken as somethin' you would've seen at New York fashion week 
(if it were bein' held at the family dollar store of course) 

i couldn't have been more elated though...when i seen my nephew stepp'n into my dimly lit spotlight walk'n on stage...that i was actually blown away...
(well…maybe that was in the restroom dur'in intermission…but that’s another blog)

the pipes on my nephew were incredible...who knew!...though he was only slightly quiet dur'in the last song of the nite…due to the monitor'n system...
(well cuz his fuck'n headset kept cutt'n out…i mean…it happened in "causing a commotion"..."where's the party"..."keep it together"...he's up there sing'n acapella and the audience kept think'n the fuck'n show was over...it didn't happen to Donna or Nikki…so i don't know why they didn't put him on their fuck'n frequency)...oh wait...that was another show...oops...i promised no turrets casserole...now where was i…oh yes…

so the 1st half of the show ended to much applause...and as i rose from my seat to take my proverbial bow...the barn doors theater doors flung open...
 fer the herd to hit the donut trough snack bar...well lemme tell ya kittens...the halftime show dur'n intermission…was a whole other ball of wax…the array of confectionery snacks made out and laid out…by i'm sure good christian bible beat'n women from the Our Lady of Rapturous Debauchery Church…was less than stellar…crusty dried out toll house and crappy chocolate chip cookies…
and the punch...HAD NO PUNCH…by that i mean…they had NO EFFEN VODKA in it…not even any bottom shelf swill...what the hell kinda production they runn'n here anyways?...you can pour money into the costumes and set designs…but yea can't pour me a simple appletini to enjoy with some crème brulee at half time?...complete false advertise'n..a snack bar...WITH NO BAR...what'da bunch of bullshit!
(hey...i held out as long as i could)

thankfully the disappoint'n intermission was remedied by the 2nd half...
of the show...with an hour left to go...i was ready to go...to the closest bar...but once the last scene was played out...the show ended with such thunderous applause...that the local tornado sirens were set off...and i couldn't have been a more pleased peacock

and now a blow by blow break-down of the nite...before i break down...
to be hip with the times...Augusta Gloop was now apparently a tranny in lederhosen…played by this roly poly pig tailed 10 year old girl…with a german accent…to absolute perfection i might add...a sheer delight to watch

the person fill'n in Willie Wonka's hat was…eh…just ok…
he didn’t evoke enough Gene Wilder fer me…
and to be quiet blunt...without bein' a cunt...i thought i deserved so much more...

to me...it felt like he was more Gene Autry…after his death! 

 the role of Violet was very presentational…

the Veruca was absurdly annoy'n…but i guess that was her shtick anyways…so kudos girl

and i don't mean to criticize harshly critique a po-dunk town production...but let's just say...i felt the Mike Teavee character was channel'n Holly Hunter...
in the Piano

though grampa Joe was believably un-believable...whoever did gramp's make-up…seriously…i wanted to pull the fire alarm...turn off all the lights...jump on stage with just my cell light and some highlighter and redo that disaster to his face...i’m not kidd'n you…it looked like some epileptic Helen Keller schizophrenic ape applied his age lines with a magicless marker 

though Jessica had no speak’n part…her part spoke volumes...TO ME
 by that i mean...i could never pull off an Laura Ashley floral print like she can...without at least a pair of 6 inch sling backs...Amanda played the oompa loompa to perfection and to mine and the audiences delight...but the stand out of the entire even'n of course goes out to my nephew Ben...who gave it his all and had a complete ball!

not sure how this all plays out with the equity scale and all…since i'm pretty sure ya don’t get paid until ya speak at least 3 lines…but with my nephew Ben pull'n in the most spotlight time and sing'n his heart out til you almost wanted to break down and weep...he better've made out like a bandit
all in all...i was so glad i got to see it...everyone did a great job...this was after all a high school production i guess...i thought it was better than CATS!
move over Idina Mendez…cuz their next stop is B-R-O-A-D-W-A-Y 
  (and before ya ask …yes I AM completely jealous with envy fer them all)

now get off my dress!