Monday, September 15, 2014

strut...pout...put it out!

what a weekend it was...ain't nutt'n funny since celebrate'n the 14th anniversary to my 30th last weekend...thanx to all those who came...
next time though...please bring yer own towels...i hate doin laundry...fer those who decided to miss my latest mildew marker...and fergot to present me with accolades or to purchase an item from the preselected gift list at amazon.com to commemorate me twist'n down the fallopian slide so many many moons ago...still have plenty of time to pick up their free gift without pity at gofuckyerselftilnextyear.com

trust me...like my smartass phone that decided to pull a jihad on me 2 days before my big day...i'm over it...as much as i'm over you...but more about that next week...at this point in the monopoly of life...i figered...
i had passed go so many times without collect'n my $200...i realized i was start'n to pass my prime time...and it was about time to get exactly what i wanted fer some change a change...i was starve'n fer a marvin that even'n...hey it had been a whole 5 days...and i was in no mood to bob fer blue balls...so i said to myself...i said self...why not just order some taco john?...you'd get exactly what ya paid for...without have'n to order a side of free phony compliments fer a return visit...besides i've never had spanish rice...it could be nice...but would it be worth the price?

as i meticulously searched thru my back issues of TOOTH CHIPPERS magazine...like a contestant who just solved the puzzle on the wheel of sexually frustrated fortune and was ready to pick their prick from the throat gagg'n gallery of goodies...it got me to think'n fer just a minute...
how it all began?...how it used to be to how it is today?...how does one set their base pay?
let's cue up the David Lee Roth hit and take a trip down to male hookerville

y'all know of course...the 2 most famous power bottoms in history...
 were Roman emperors Caesar and Nero...both declare'n concubinus caretakers fer their own sexual appetite on those cold lonely nites...but what most people don't know is...this was also where the origin of the term "royally fucked" originated from

by the time we hit the 15th century in Florence (Jean Castleberry) Italy
it was not uncommon fer young trollops between the ages of 
TRANSFORMERS addicts to transform'n themselves...
 gett'n tied up in some twisted tawdry love affair with a swiss bank account wealthy ancient relic with enough riches to keep them in new britches...til of course...thee under the covers lover gets bored with ride'n the wrinkled willy and spills the beans...along with his dignity...to the closest publish'n company

durin' the middle of the 16th century in Kawasaki Country...
kabuki theater was a treasure trove of high priced male hussies sought after by both male and female patrons fer their exquisite and appropriate applications of the correct base...lips gloss and eye liner...
even buddhists and samurai warriors were into tag team'n many of their "apprentices"...fer educational purposes only of course

by the turn of the 19th century...both Europe and North America...
were turn'n out sweet transvestites faster than jail time to jihads...also known as "fairies"...they were the latest "must have" accessory in the fall season from brothels to saloons with a "backdoor"...some even work'n in female brothels as an "exotic offer'n" fer their male clientele

the GREAT DEPRESSION wasn't really about a crippled economy...oh no
the greatest tragedy from that era of course...was the birth of the "str8 act'n and appear'n" non heterosexual hustlers as well as non homosexual hustlers...take'n over the brothel's and backrooms of the Hurry Back Inn that once were dominated by the flame'n fairies and muscle mary's with a sense of savoir faire...all the way from new york to new mexico...as a means to justify their blatant sexual sissification

from the sexual revolution of the 70's...til the heydays of...
Prince and the Revolution in the 80's...most cracked out casanova's came thru the drive up windows of lonely out-of-town toads look'n to "explore" all the city had to offer...by dole'n out a hefty offer of their own

but now...thanx to the birth of pop-up porn sites...GRINDR and SCRUFF
stocks have plummeted to an all time low fer the work'n ho'...with easy accessibility to pick'n yer prick without all those high prices...though yer spinn'n the roulette wheel these days with the free gift with purchase...that usually takes about 3-6 weeks to clear up...if yer lucky!

sure...i had many many monetary moments offered to me in my 20's...by many many much older than me in exchange fer extra curricular activities but i've revoked my blow-job valley membership eons ago...we've all used our youth to get exactly what we wanted at times...regardless of what the outcome was to be...so kindly remove yerself from behind that pulpit...
i mean really!...how many times have YOU impersonated a gyrate'n gigolo and expected or finagled yer way outta pay'n fer dinners?...vacations?...shopp'n sprees? or a musical interlude?...from yer peers...parents...or yer weekly passionistas? regardless whether yer old enough to wipe yer own ass to have'n to hire a nurse to do it fer ya...
and you far right finger point'n fucktards who are gonna stand there and say to me..."you can't do that...it's a sin"...seriously?...ummm...hate to break it to y'all but sin was just an imaginary disease invented by CASPER crusaders to sell the gullible and weak-minded like yerself an imaginary cure called s-a-l-v-a-t-i-o-n...and this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe don't play that !

so after careful consideration...i looked long and hard into the mirror...
and thought to myself...i thought self...what am i doin?...i may be one year closer to receive'n my AARP membership and become'n a monthly member to the June Allison fan club...but i ain't gotta pay fer no dime store dick...well...not just yet anyways...i'm a fuck'n catch...i still have plenty of free clown'n around years left in me...so with that in mind...time to spritz on the chloroform...and watch me baby while i walk out that door!

now get off my dress!






Monday, September 8, 2014

a RIVERS runs thru it

to think there was a time when a woman could not even mutter the word

the 1st QUEEN of late nite with her memorable tag line "CAN WE TALK?"
and her own personal punch line to all the plastic surgery procedures...JOAN RIVERS was a hurricane of hilarity that never held back when it came to make'n people laugh...whether it was over triumphs or tragedies...include'n her own...Joan could whip out the one-liners faster than a porn stars prick...
"i don't exercise...if G*D wanted me to bend over...he would have put diamonds on the floor"

"i'm no cook...when i want lemon on chicken...i spray it with pledge"

"i've had so much plastic surgery...when i die...they will donate my body to tupperware"

her razor sharp red carpet reviews cut thru celebrities like a disgruntled employee of ISIS...pave'n the way fer many many "in yer face" female comics in a very dominated male profession from the start

gett'n her biggest break in 1965 seal'n her fate as the QUEEN of comedy

by 1983 become'n the 1st woman ever to fill in as the late night host...
pre-plastic surgery of course with many guests...include'n a very young  BOY GEORGE

then starred as the 1st ever female late night talk show host in 1986...

a historian of humorous ramblin's...and author of many many books...
include'n "MEN ARE STUPID...AND THEY LIKE BIG BOOBS"..."I HATE EVERYONE...STARTING WITH ME" and her last gem "DIARY OF A MAD DIVA"...Joan told it exactly how it was...PC was never part of her recipe to penn'n a juicy book...
much like the STD test'n requirements fer "massage therapists" ads in the back of all those the local city pages

starr'n in the 1987 1/2 a block buster intergalactic parody "SPACEBALLS"

then in 1990 the made fer tv fluff "HOW TO MURDER A MILLIONAIRE"
as Beverly Hills housewife IRMA SUMMERS

2010 was the perfect tribute to the legend's life in "A PIECE OF WORK"
starr'n as herself...lett'n it all hang out...from her midday yaps to her vaginal flaps

QVC was part of her billion dollar biz fer over 20 years that sold a plethora
of colorful costume crap fer all occasions...Joan made millions of lonely agoraphobics around the world feel a lil less unattractive and a lil more bankrupt...sadly though...
a lot of Indonesian children will be gett'n their pink slips

host and top cop of couture on the highly rated show FASHION POLICE
who managed to criticize and correctly identify more red carpet disasters than F.E.M.A. did durin' Hurricane Katrina...will make about as much sense stay'n on the air now as...
Paris Hilton identify'n and correctly spell'n all her STD's in order

Mrs. Rivers even found time to chat before her metamucil martini kicked in
with her hysterical informational highway web series..."IN BED WITH JOAN"...the best one by far was when she was hamm'n it up with RUPAUL DRAG RACE SUPERSTAR season 6 winner and hilariously raunchy BIANCA DEL RIO

the world will miss June Allison's nemesis but Joan will have the last laugh
"at my funeral...i want MERYL STREEP crying in 5 different accents" 
now get off my dress!

Monday, September 1, 2014

i ain't clown'n around

so we all remember that code red fiasco the lovely part'n gift i received...
from my extremely laughable and loveable and bestest best you'd ever wanna know in my world...PEETRINELLA...last year fer my barfday right?

well...can you believe it's almost been a full year kittens...BUUUUT...
here i go again on my own
 (well...cuz my period happens once every 365 days)

goin down the only road i've ever known
 (gee..i wish i could get my hair to flap in the wind like Tawny's...but that's just too much commitment fer me)

like a drifter i was born to walk alone 

an' i made up my mind
 
(Lena Dunham looked like my grama's toilet paper cozy at the Emmy's last week...seriously...you apparently pissed off the wrong homo kitten...that's all i'm say'n) 

i ain't waste'n no more time

what originally was suppose to be me hamm'n it up in the HAMPTON's...
fer the very 1st time at some beachfront resort along the coastal line...
sipp'n champagne...and choke'n down caviar nibbley's...
while wither'n about in my beachy birthday suit along the sandy beaches...
and doin' tequila shots while play'n next to nothin' twister with my suedo friends like Cher and Madonna...
(hey i spent bookoo bucks fer the last couple of their shows...so that makes us suedo friends in my book)
ended up with just me...some salt lick and no hope in sight!

that is until i decided i had to make the most of my annual barfday misery...
and throw my own damn barfday party once again...well of course you know...this means i needed a fab-u-less theme...
i've done from the 80's...to jail birds...to duets...to religious...to cowpokes
and of course this year...i ain't clown'n around!

my parties...as precious as they are to see the people that rarely return texts in a timely manner but show up to ease their guilt fer the year...
and to check if i'm still kick'n...just aren't the same without PEETRINELLA in attendance...and like every year (minus the cowpoke party)...she's always attempted some valid excuse via voice mail...that usually doesn't fly with me...but i let it slide cuz she ALWAYS melts her guilty conscious away...by bestow'n unto me...the P-E-R-F-E-C-T consolation prizes from the preselected registery at amazon.com...
hey don't point yer fingers and roll yer eyes act'n like i'm sooo self centered and materialistic...well i am at times...we ALL are kitten...but with all the pamper'n i've showered onto brides...baby births...bar mitzvah's...birthdays and burials...i'm about due my simple royalties

so this year i expect nothing different as far as PEETRINELLA is concerned though i thought i'd help ease her unconsciousness...by give'n her a pre-selected menu of acceptable options that i would possibly believe fer not attend'n my heavy flo day special day...just one day out of the year:
option#1 
"hey Mattress...happy birthday...but you know how i'm a hypochondriac and all...right?...well...ever since they brought back those doctors without borders back from Africa that had that ebola...i swear i have it now...cuz i feel like my insides are eat'n me up...unless that's what guilt feels like...oh well...have fun...and don't worry...i'm already work'n on yer x-mas gifts as i type...love ya...bye!"

option #2 
"hey Mattress...i'm really super sorry about this but Lucy is have'n her friends that nite fer a sleep over and Todd started work'n at the 4-mile strip club as a bartender saturday nites so i can catch up on all my tivo in peace...don't worry a lil birdie will be dropp'n off a box soon...happy birthday (her voice fades away before hang'n up) hey you damn kids...get back in the cage...or there'll be no salt lick and sugar water til the morn'n!"

option #3 
"hey Mattress...i'm in the Hampton's...where you at?...awww shoot...hey...i gotta go...Cher and Madonna want me to do tequila shots with em then we're gonna play'n twister sister...jealous much?...happy bir..."
(the caller hangs up)

well...it just so happens...some birdie already left some dropp'n outside my door the other day when i was come'n home from a difficult day at the park work...so of course i did what any unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe would do in times like these...and accimentally gnawed the box apart with my fangs and was pleasantly surprised...in the best way i could...how PEETRINELLA once again figered out EXACTLY what it was i was look'n for this year...so behind door #1
fer give'n my planter fascitis a break from huff'n and puff'n in the parks...a spank'n new pair and exact replica of the shit kickers worn by the QUEEN herself...in her infamous SEX book many moons ago

behind door #2
an 80's visually stimulate'n smorgasbord of thee oh sooo bad it's oh sooo good tv...make'n the instant oatmeal generation wish'n they'd grown up 3 decades ago to experience it 1st hand...but they didn't

behind door#3
the perfect candy fer my think'n cap 
(though i'm think'n it would'a meant so much more had it been actually signed by Mrs Lauper...but apparently PEETRINELLA wasn't in the mood to have that much fun...i'll still cherish it anyways)

of course by the time i had gotten to the bottom of my dropp'ns...i found a simple but oh so so sweet note inside that read : Happy Birthday Mattress you better not open this until it's your birthday...luv PEETRINELLA...awww!
yea right...that's like ask'n the Donald not to be the presimental douchery of the tangerine baboons...or Lady Blah Blah to be go back to bein' relevent...it ain't ever gonna happen

besides...PEETRINELLA knows i have very little patience...
when it comes to open'n packages on time...well...except fer the patients wait'n in my wait'n area

needless to say...PEETRINELLA went waaaay above and beyond her REDEMPTION she felt she needed and she'll get a free pass this year...
provide'n she chooses one of the pre-selected voice mails of course

so there ya have it...fer those kittens that are in town...throw on a gown...
and see this clown turn yer frown upside down this sat september 6th...my OFFICIAL day to do and say what i want without any prosecution or persecution...and even though yer presence is presents enough...
nothin' says happy barfday to me more than a rainbow taste'n FYI

ps... if any of the attendee's happen to have a stripper friend as their +1...
come prepared with yer benjamins ladies and lady-a-likes...if not...

get off my dress!