Monday, April 21, 2014

who's yer daddy?

well…i’ll tell ya one thing…it sure as shit ain’t ME!

i accimentally gave myself a home lobotomy this weekend...TWICE...
so i couldn't think str8 (and seriously... why the H-E-double hockey stix would i anyways?)...and like any television series that's comes to an end until the new season begins...today's episode is a rerun...so i give you a piece of my past...to relish in fer the 1st time or relive it all over again...enjoy!

i’ve come to accept this is now the category i fall under to 20 somethin’s out there in desperadoville…i was there myself at their age…the only difference was…i never expected my 40 somethin’ stalkers to foot the bill…or take them for granted...i’m not the type who expects nor likes the pamper’n process without reciprocate’n the pamper’n process at the same time but...
pamper’n really belongs on small whiny puke buckets...

and prune poachers...period!

so anywho’zll ding…i got a wild hair up my naturally smooth anal entrance a few weekends back and decided to text my library of contacts to see if anyone else was in the mood for a random road trip to Oprahville...
5 minutes later i got the only spontaneously intelligent response from my 20 somethin’ road tripper
 who text me “when shud i b redy?’

2 hours later we were off to the windy city…and my only purpose...
for said spontaneous trip was fer clown shoes...why not!

it was a joyful ride on the way down…since i hadn’t initiated a road trip on my own out of state since (hmmm…lemme think fer a minute)…ok *DING* times up…it was needed

i learned a new road trip game that totally beats the alphabet game…
whatever city was up ahead was the name of the reign’n queen of that town and there was a back story we made up of said queen within seconds of spott’n the sign…try it…you’ll love it!

fer example...Baraboo : mulatto queen who wears lots of feathers...
and thinks Beyonce should be president

Mauston : a queen in her advanced years with a limp leg and a glass eye...
 who lives fer Shirley Bassey's catalog...plus...she's discovered a lump!

Waunakee: middle eastern indian queen with tourettes...
obsessed with old school Cher songs and enters any pageant she can to help pay fer her "trans"formation

after a lil hydroplane right outside of Illinoyed…
we arrived at my friend’s around 10ish…and no time was wasted with small talk…we said the proverbial “hey…how’s it been?…got anything to eat?…we’re goin out”…cuz i was in need of many cocktails from the hydroplane shakes i was still recover’n from

so off to HYDRATE

a very 90’s look’n danceteria…but with free cocktails thrown at us
why complain?

after meet’n up with my co-pilot's X…and soak’n up the eye candy…we popped in next door to Elixir fer more alcoholic freebies and chitter chatter with the locals…by midnite…i was pumkin pie…so i left the 20 somethin’s to themselves and went back to my friend’s to count sheep

by morn’n…mr. friend had gone to work and left me house keys…my mission was clear…but i didn't wanna go on this adventure alone…so i chatted on line to the locals and snagged me a headless horseman
within minutes...but let’s get real here…when non heterosexuals see yer an outta towner…fer me at least…it's like shoot’n fish in a horny barrel!

he could only send a face shot thru text…which ended up bein’ a picture of a cell phone block’n his face…cuz he had to be “discreet”….(which 99% of the time means they’re f*ck’n around on someone) but i didn’t wanna spend all day hunt’n fer company…so i said why not to a free lunch…since i wasn’t expect’n a marriage proposal or my co-pilot anytime soon...

so he told me what he was wear’n and all that jazz…and we decided to meet half way

as i’m gett’n to the half way mark…i’m look’n all over fer a guy with a stripped shirt…khaki shorts (i know…UGH right?) and a cell phone hot glued to his face…i notice across the street someone match’n this description (minus the cell phone in the face)…so instead of make’n an A double snake of myself…i decided to call…and sure enough with the cell phone in his face…it was a match

first impressions…like’n the “look”…obvious that he works out…
(stunt hottie in picture)

but i was more into his outfit…and what i need to do to get him outta it…HA…only kidd’n (maybe not!)

he apologizes fer being “discreet” in his picture…but he’s an attorney fer the state of Illinoyed…which i didn’t really care about his ferry tales…since i was in town on a reconnaissance mission as an undercover KGB agent...
with my co-hort in crime...i just wanted someone to have lunch and hang out with while i was in town (since i fergot my chloroform spray at home…i hadda do it the hard way)

lunch was good…then he asked if he could hang out fer a while…
i was game since his blue bug eyes were no longer bugg’n me…(hey i’m just give’n ya a visual…not judge’n)

he asked what i was in town fer…and like a small child with tourettes i said
“CLOWN SHOES” 
(like i would be there fer anything else...Oprah no longer lives there)

he oddly laughed but took me to Beatnik’s…wear i found em…but decided to wait on gett'n em and meandered to the holy grail that any non heterosexual male with taste…“Borderline’s”…jammed packed with any...
 and all you could possibly ever want to own by Madonna musically whether it be on dvd or cd format...and many other hard to find artists

after he induced the Madge coma…he no longer existed in my world (even though i had been here a few times in the past) each time was like goin…
on a roller coaster ride until you puked...but after 20 minutes…i pulled the plug and left without purchase…but secretly knew i would be back before return’n home

still no word from my co-pilot…me and attorney man (thing is…though i found him attractive and easy to talk to…i had my premonitions as to why i didn’t need to remember his name...which you'll find out soon enough) walked around a bit more…small chitter chatter and he convinced me to go on a date with him later in the even’n…and i agreed…so it was set….he was gonna take a nap…after all it was 5 o’clock and he was 45

i declined the offer to “nap” since we all know what that means…
besides i was wide awake…and didn’t want to do the walk of shame so early in the even’n…any respectable person knows…that is best saved fer the break of dawn hours only

so after a simple peck he said he’d call me in a couple hours and take me to
BERLIN fer MADONNARAMA nite
this guy is either psychic or knows how to just have a good time…either way…i would rather be no where else…and as i walked away…he told me to stop at “Buck’s” to see the “tootsie roll”
whatever that meant…an hour later i met up with my co-pilot and his X fer cocktail hour...we stopped at Roscoe’s fer a pre cocktail cocktail hour but the lines were too long already…and i wait NO where fer a drink unless it’s Madonna or Boy George serve’n me a tacky margarita
and fer some reason...i don't see that happen'n anytime soon...so i suggested Buck’s across the street…and off we went

it dawned on me as i seen the 6’4 non caucasian bartender make’n candy shots fer the 40 somethin’ gaggle of soccer moms with bad Molly Ringwald
haircuts (we included ourselves in the cheer since it was my bday weekend getaway as well) to ask him to see the “tootsie roll” as my date suggested

he laughed...hmmm…was it somethin’ i said?

minutes later…and keep in mind it’s only 5:30ish in a fairly packed bar on a sunday even’n…without any warn’n…i found out what all the “tootsie roll” fuss was all about…mr. bartender had let his pet anaconda “tootsie roll" outta his “cage”…BUT…it was no tootsie roll…OH NO!...it was more like
mr. snuffaluffagus’s trunk! 
(just close yer eyes and visualize since there is not enough space on here to advertise...and i am not joke'n when i say that)

though in shock (and i rarely get shocked)…i felt like i was aboard the...
millennium falcon and gett’n pulled into the death star’s tractor beam

the co-pilot fumbled fer his camera like madam butterfly have'n a corinary
but this was not to be a repeat performance

after the flirtation and free cocktails ended…my date finally showed up and off we went to pit stop #2…the Lucky Horseshoe

i wanted to see if the “professional dancer” that i met the last time i was
in town was there (doin' a research project of course)...and of course he hadda educate me on the difference between a "stripper" and a "professional dancer" righhht!...that's like say'n some people say the glass is half empty...some say it's half full...i say "where's the fuck'n bartender?"

plus...he was the only reason to visit this shit hole of a bar…
i mean…this quaint lil shit hole of a bar

he was on his “professional dancer” break…(which i’m pretty sure meant he was “make’n rent” with some guy from meals-on-wheels in the back room)…but i’m not hear to judge…i know the economy ain’t the best in these try’n times

so me…my date…and the co-pilot (the X left due to being a downer to this outta-towner) did a quick shot in the back of the bar…and had the bartender take the proverbially cheesy “here we are gett’n shit faced at a strip joint fer our next facebook post”

and i no longer was high on my buzz as i noticed outta the corner of my eyes in the mirror behind us…my co-pilot and my date thumb wrestle’n
behind my back!

i had no plans on a marriage proposal mind you…but if yer a 45 year old "discreet" adult and make a date with me…you don’t try and recapture yer youth with some 20 somethin’ tattooed sing’n STD (hey in my story...he may have had one…i cannot deny or confirm)

and if yer a 20 somethin’ tattooed sing’n STD...who just got a ride outta town and a place to stay fer free…you ought think twice before cross’n...
a queen!

i ignored it for now…since it was all about MADONNARAMA nite at BERLIN

we were the first in line…and 20 minutes later we were inside… it was as if the gates of that mythical pillow factory in the sky had opened and invited us in

i didn’t want to waste one moment on chitter chatter any longer…i was like
“hey mister dj…put a record on”...and i was off to the floor

i grabbed both my entourage’s to hit the floor with me…but they resisted…i didn’t have a care in the world…i just floated up to the center platform and stayed there fer the next 60 minutes…sweat’n my A double snakes off…it was surreal to see the sea of Madge madness around me…envelope’n me
into their circle…i felt like Ester Williams in cocktail heels but after one too many tried to show off their best vogue moves on the center platform that i had pretty much occupied the entire 60 minutes…along with this hostess twinkie and his match’n hag…i missed my foot’n and crowd surfed to the floor…not by choice but by the voguers now that have take’n over my territory…no biggy

well except…wait…what ever happened to my 2 entourages i came with?...
hmmm…were my premonitions comin’ true?

as i scanned the crowd fer any sign of either of them…
i was gett’n outta my buzzed blouse and into my pissed off pants

seconds later as the crowd somehow split like the dead sea…i noticed them both…walk’n joyfully hand in hand…like a priest on a playground...that is...
until they spotted me and immediately disengaged their hands and pretended as if they had never seen each other before in their life

i got him into a remington party...and he repays me in metaphoric puke!
instead of break’n down and say’n “you know…i have a little prepared speech i tell my suitor when he wants more than i'd like to give him…gee blank i had a really nice time...ahhh...you don't deserve my fucking speech!”
 i decided to just walk right out the door back to my friend's place as if i just survived the school blow’n up in my face…there’s a new HEATHER in town!

i ignored all 13 texts i received that nite from them both deny’n they had no idea what i was upset about or that “we were look’n for you everywhere” crap line…and i also ignored the co-pilot's desperado phone calls til 3 am plead’n to answer the phone so he could have a warm place to sleep

i could’a cared less if they did or didn’t fornicate that nite…fer reals...
ok maybe just a wee bit...but that's cuz of the cocktails...i swear on a stack of Madonna cd's

see...thing is…you may be a 20 somethin' singer in a band…
but i’m a 40 somethin' queen with a car!

don’t fuck with a queen or you’ll get a heel to yer head...
i am no one’s daddy…i’m a queen at heart!

now...get off my dress!

Monday, April 14, 2014

D-I-V-I-N-E intervention

ride'n high on a tank full of ego...
soar'n with the greatest of ease...where the sky's the limit...and yer names written across the sky fer everyone to see...would boost anyone's self importance...
but tragedy struck over the weekend in the Minne-Apple...as a delusionally popularly unpopular ego went down in flames...leave'n the few who came...wish'n they hadn't come at all!
in close'n...don't bite the hand that feeds yer ego...or you'll get a heel to the head every time...don't whine about gett'n credit when you can't give credit where credit is due with wine in yer hand...or you will be due the credit you served!
a "TRAINWRECK"...come'n soon
                                              
and speak'n of come'n...it's been like 2 weeks...i've suffered enough!...so i decided a weekend of clean'n...cocktails and search'n fer some afternoon
"alright fine...just leave some pocket change on the counter" delight was in order...but after receive'n my order from amazon.com that i have been wait'n fer 3 years to own as my very own...i decided to stop clean'n...choked down 2 cocktails with my good friend Kathryn...and we hunkered down to watch the best documentary known to me...

ps...fer you dirty lil kittens...i decided to save collect'n any pocket change fer a rainier day...so enjoy a recap of an earlier post from last year of a true performer gone waaay before her time!

the full length documentary is finally completed and ready to own
  "I AM DIVINE"...is about the life of the great DIVINE

the original “HAIRSPRAY” by John Waters
is what turned me on...into turn'n myself inside out

and not that refried piece of crap that came out a while back...
as an homage to the theater production…that was an homage to the movie

starr’n the one and only...DIVINE

it's like hollyweird take'n the comically brilliant...

and make’n their shopko version to milk the mashed potatoes minds with...
“TO WONG FOO…thanks for everything! Julie Newmar”

which...i'da been more entertained watch'n the porno rip-off version
“TOO MUCH GOO…thanx fer nutt'n! Julia Duffy”

but i digress…i immediately became O-B-S-E-S-S-E-D!

i needed to know anything and everything about the great DIVINE

born on October 19 1945 in Baltimore Maryland as Harris Glenn Milstead

Harris was christened DIVINE after become’n good friends with director
John Waters in the 1960’s

Waters wanted to make the trashiest motion pictures in cinema history and made DIVINE the star in many of his movies…and described DIVINE
“as the most beautiful woman in the world…almost!”

Waters had borrowed the name from a character in a book called
“our lady of the flowers” by Jean Genet

DIVINE’s parents whom were well off financially and hard core babtists…
bought DIVINE his own hair salon to run in the late 60’s…

but DIVINE had zero interest in manage’n the shop and only did hair
until he took his earnings and poured it into his vintage shop called “DIVINE TRASH” in Provincetown Massachusetts during 1970

DIVINE had already starred in a handful of low budget films by Waters
along with many other of Waters "Dreamlanders" cast like...




and David Lochary to name a few

1966 would mark the debut of DIVINE in Waters movie "Roman Candles"
DIVINE played a smoking nun along with the Dreamlanders...this was a plotless collage of random incidents involving sex...drugs...religion and The Wizard of Oz

and later in 1968 the Waters movie entitled “Eat Your Make-Up”

DIVINE portrayed a Jackie Kennedy inspired kidnapper of models
and would make them eat their own make-up

in 1969 DIVINE’s next role was in Waters film “The Diane Linkletter Story”
play’n the daughter of Art Linkletter who commits suicide supposedly under the influence of LSD

that same year DIVINE starred in “Mondo Trasho
which was Waters first silent movie filled with a rock and roll soundtrack

DIVINE starred as a portly blonde bombshell in this silent sleaze-fest
who drives around town and runs over a woman while stare'n at a hitchhiker who she imagines naked and then spends the rest of the day with the victim drive'n around Baltimore and gett'n into bizzarre situations

in 1970...DIVINE starred in “Multiple Maniacs

as the one and only Lady Divine
the owner and operator of an exhibit show called The Cavalcade of Perversion...who would rob and eventually murder the visitors that came

the film that became known as "an exercise in bad taste" by Waters in 1972
was “Pink Flamingo’s” this was DIVINE’s turn’n point into become’n an international cult star

DIVINE played Babs Johnson known as the filthiest person alive
the end’n scene did not disappoint and became a huge cult phenomenom

by the year 1974...DIVINE would star in the Waters movie “Female Trouble
that Waters dedicated to Manson Family member Charles "Tex" Watson

DIVINE plays the teenage delinquent Dawn Davenport...
who thought crime was art and soon became executed by electrocution for her violent behavior…

Divine also played the driver in an edsel station wagon...Earl Peterson...
who drives Dawn to a dump and rapes her...though she consents halfway through...and later finds out she's preggers and wants money from Earl... which Earl says..."Go fuck yourself"...which Divine did by play'n both parts

this was one of DIVINE’s favorite performances...
since he didn’t wanna be typecast as just a perform’n illusionist

by 1981 DIVINE’s next movie “Polyester”…DIVINE played Francine Fishpaw
a middle class suburban Baltimore housewife...married to a cheat'n hubby who owns a porn shop and who's world crumble's around her until she falls in love with her dream boat…Todd Tomorrow…played by Tab Hunter...

this was the first movie ever released in brilliant "odorama”...
which gave audience members "scratch 'n' sniff" cards to smell at certain points during the movie...to experience it like no other movie

DIVINE’s next film was made in 1985…his first not filmed by Waters…and teamed up once again with Tab Hunter as Rosie Velez in “Lust in the Dust
parody’n the old western movies from the 1960’s

Rosie gets lost in the desert and finds her way to the town Chile Verde...
and winds up at the saloon run by Marguerita Ventura played by Lainie Kazan...where the locals have been in search for the town's buried gold

that same year DIVINE starred as his first small but important all male role...
in “Trouble in Mind” 

as Hillie Blue with Kris Kristofferson and Keith Carradine

originally penned "White Lipstick" by Waters...“HAIRSPRAY”…which came out in 1988…would be DIVINE’s last brilliant performance...once again play'n duel roles as both Edna Turnblad…a housewife in 1960’s Baltimore...
 and mother to hair hopper Tracey Turnblad…played by pleasantly plump new comer Ricki Lake

and Arvin Hodgepile…the owner and segregationist of the popular...
“The Corny Collins Show” which was based on the real life show “The Buddy Dean Show

also starr’n Debbie Harry and Sonny Bono as the pushy stage parents…
 Velma and Frank Von Tussle...who were owners of the “Tilted Acres Amusement Park”...based on the real life racial problems of Baltimore’s “Gwynn Oak Amusement Park

along with their spoiled beauty queen daughter Amber Von Tussle

the movie also stars Jerry Stiller as Wilbur Turnblad…DIVINE’s husband

DIVINE was not limited to just the big screen...she also was seen on stage

in the summer of 1972...DIVINE starred in "Journey to the Center of Uranus"...sing'n "The Crab at the Center of Uranus" dressed as a lobster
with the psychedelic san fransico drag queen troupe called the "Cockettes"
which became a brilliant documentary released on dvd in 2003

in 1976...DIVINE starred in his 2nd stage production "Women Behind Bars"

play'n Pauline...the head of a womens prison

in 1978...DIVINE did the follow-up show and starred in "the Neon Woman"

as Flash Storm...the owner and retired stripper...set in the 1960's
inspired by Gypsy Rose Lee’s burlesque thriller...The G-String Murders

thru-out DIVINE’s amaze’n and humorously twisted career...
from the silver screen to the stage productions...

DIVINE was also an amaze'n record'n artist with an unmistakable voice

DIVINE had recorded a plethera of songs in the 1980’s and released...











DIVINE was an internationally loved staple thru the club scene of the 1980's

on march 7 1988… two weeks after HAIRSPRAY was released in theaters…
DIVINE was stay’n at the Regency hotel in LA…

and was scheduled to film the pilot as the next door neighbor...
to Al and Peggy Bundy in the tv series "Married with Children"

DIVINE would never make rehearsals as he passed away in his sleep
after dine’n out with his friends of an enlarged heart…DIVINE was 42

2 amaze’n books have been released since DIVINE’s death called...

NOT SIMPLY DIVINE” by his manager and friend Bernard Jay

his mother Frances released the book simply titled “MY SON DIVINE


and collection of travel'n tales...in the book entitled...

DIVINE’s legacy has carried on and was the inspiration for...
Ursula the Sea Witch in the Disney movie “The Little Mermaid”

in 1998...director Steve Yeager released "Divine Trash"
a brilliant documentary explore'n the life and times of John Waters and his famous star and good friend DIVINE

there will never be a finer DIVINE'r
 order yer copy today...you'll be glad ya did

now get off my dress!