Monday, June 29, 2015

fear factor fail

it's finally FINAL...in a vote 5-4...(and i think we know who THAT was)
the SUPREMES have made it the law of the land...that non heterosexuals shant be denied the right to a fruitful life...a blissful and unsalted liberty...and the pursuit of happiness to be as miserable as their non homosexual counterparts when it comes to decide'n who's take'n the garbage out or take'n the dildo's outta the dishwasher

i'll admit...i never really thought i would ever have the opportunity to walk down the aisle...unless it was to make an offer'n to some porcelain god after a rough nite out...of course though now this means i'll have to over cook the vegetables...and help feed him jell-o 3 times a day in our twilight years at the raisin ranch...and i'm already so damn tired...but i figered...
eh!...at some point...even i...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...has to move on from beyond the bar stools of desperado fools...give'n them the endless jack hammer'n nites...pinn'n down some cowpoke on another gin soaked pool table...til they begged me to punch into Charlie's chocolate factory...and will eventually settle down with some cock-suck'n-husband-fuck'n-pig-slutt'n-two-time'n-beat'n-cheat'n-homo...with a peg leg and a glass...who's lost his looks along with his libido...but is still a card carry'n american express platinum member...just to make me brain dead happy...know anyone?
i'm think'n october...autumn colors look best on me...i'll choose somethin' by Gaultier to wear...perhaps with the butt cut out...or perhaps not!...i would like my options left open...what unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe doesn't?

of course...not EVERYONE was too damn happy to get this news...
lemme know if ya have heard this one joke before...a republican...a priest and pair of down under dingo's walk into a bar...
(tick~tock~tick~tock~tick~tock)
 ummmm no punchline...that was it!...oh how these religious rectal pirates are fume'n in the ovens of brimstone and fire that they believe in
but let's go back in time just a bit

beginn'n with everyone's fav-o-rit frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter
so this wonky eyed anal drip has decided once again that CASPER has called upon him in the wee hours of the nite...to spread the word his "unbiased" blasphemous bile thru-out the land...brought forth by those knob jockey heathens ...and run fer prezzie...waste'n millions of benjamins try'n to reverse the Supreme Courts decision...just to feel like a complete fool once more...hmmm...now if memory serves me correct Mr. Frothy...and i am to believe yer comic book stories as truth (insert laugh here)...wouldn't it be in yer best interest to appease yer delusional entity by spread'n the wealth amongst the feeble...the poor and those with unimaginable split ends instead first? 

up next...is this hot under the collar CASPER crusader...
i thought...hey fine with me...just tell me where to bring the marshmallows!
but of course...as any typical preacher leecher...he don't practice what he promises and says that he was just referr'n to a spiritual song
i bought myself a brand spank'n new Armani pin striped suit...with like the butt cut out and the latest Prada slip-on's fer my 1st ever religious weine roast and everything...shit!...now what the hell am i gonna do with 10 pounds of jalapeno bratwursts?

so now this couple from the land down under...try'n to ruin homo thunder
 i couldn't agree with them more...if i was a sexually oafish self righteous brain washed puritanical zealot myself...well...i'm not!...but not all is lost on these home lobotomies...as 183,000 have RSVP'd to their divorce party...to put it into perspective...that's like 10 sold-out Madonna shows at Madison Square Garden...just imagine all the free poontang and throat plungers you 2 will have to pick from
leave it to funny man John Stewart as he breaks it down exactly what all the fuss is about!

though some of you out there may not agree or believe in the rule'n...
it don't matter anymore...YOU LOST...now get off my dress!

Monday, June 22, 2015

the never end'n story

ever get that not-so-fresh-in-yer-memory feel'n...almost like yer life is a script...write'n it's very own hit tv show right in front of yer unbelievably almond shaped eyes? (well if they were almond shaped like mine that is)
and James Earl Jones as the voice over

well...that's exactly how it all played out a few years back

i imagined myself in some twisted lifetime movie of the week...
starr'n Joan Collins

as Krystal Kleer 

as Krystle Carrington...the lead'n lady...who wasn't a lady lead'n anything or anyone on fer a change
so let's go back in time...shall we?

imagine me...on vacation in the heart of  the bible beat'n...
banjo pluck'n...great state of North Carolina...
where own'n all yer own teeth is not a necessity...but just a mere luxury

outside of the fact that i hadda get up with dawn's ass crack in my eyes...
stretch'n and a yawn'n on my way outta dodge...i made it there in one piece...for some peace and quiet fer a much deserved long weekend

i'd spent the better part of 2 months chatt'n up and plann'n my 2nd ever
possible fornicational outta towner...who would eventually turn into a complete debbie downer...(i will not confirm or deny that this was my actual date...i am just goin on my faded memory) but let's back it up a bit

my distant cousin's once removed...wait a sec!...just try'n to decipher that mathematical equation is a waste of time and just makes my ears bleed...
they'll always be considered my cousins regardless of the zero family bloodline...they're a fuck'n hoot and a half to hang with

so anyways...i was to spend a couple days with my cuz's...
played by 80's hot sauce Charlene Tilton (fer visual purposes only)

and her hubby...007 himself...Daniel Craig...in Roanoke, VA

the day i finally arrived...Charlene had taken the 3 hour tour thru the hills...
past grama's house and picked me up at the Raleigh/Durham airport

the gorgeous leaves had on their brightest red,orange and yellow blouses...
and it made fer the perfect ride back to their palace...if it wasn't fer Charlene drive'n like she'd just gotten a home lobotomy

all was well though when we reached our destination...their 2 pretty lil kids
greeted me at the door with open arms...fer their fav-o-rit non denominational...unintentionally internationallyunknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...and unrelated aunt

it's a portrait Norman Rockwell fergot to paint...
someone's unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe unrelated aunt home again...in oils!

Daniel...home from a hard days work...was greeted by his golden lab...
well accept in my story...his golden lab was just some mangy mongrel with an attitude problem

the follow'n morn'n...Charlene and her "friend"...played by KD Lang...
(hey i'm just give'n you the visuals that day kittens) decided to cart me around town and pamper my A double snakes...i thought...why not!

1st stop was to get my 1st pedicure since i was a beauty school drop-out
at the Shanghai Surprise Me nail salon

which really surprised me...cuz i could get a pedicure and check out any...
potential failures loom'n about in the area...all at my finger tips

Soon Ye did a miracle on my hooves...and soon me...Charlene and KD were off on another non alcoholic...alcoholic adventure

by day 2...as we all were set to say our au revoirs...and hit the highway...
 i had rung my potential failure to meet us half way in Greensboro to pick me up...to save Charlene from have'n to have dawn's ass crack in her face...drive'n me the 3 hours back to the airport in the wee hours of the morn'n...and he said he'd call me right back...2 seconds later...i received this very message:
i thought...WOW!...even he knows of my star status way out here live'n in the stix!

after receive'n his very thoughtfully executed text...we took the next exit...
and i decided to visit a local doctor to get rid of my headache...and relieve him of any oral commitments we had planned

thankfully Charlene and Daniel came ride'n in on their white horses...
which happened to be in the form of my new fav-o-rit alcoholic beverage and said they would change my flight pattern and would be more than happy to have me spend another nite with them

by noon...we feasted on crab legs and cocktails...and then later that even'n...i was whisked away to some middle eastern mouthwater'n hole...
and tried things i'da never dreamt i'd ever stick in my mouth...but it was like a party in there...(ummm...not that kinda party sicko's) that ALMOST happened...later on in the story

afterwards...we stopped at some quaint lil shit shack liquor lounge to water down our stomachs...when outta the blue...this suedo hotness...thanx to the bad lighten'n and liquor i had now consumed...walks towards me

he was everything i would'a wanted in that very moment...
pierce'n dark eyes obscured by shades...thick jet black hair..tatted...and sandpaper scruffed face

and i was ready to give in to...that is until he turned his head slightly...
and i was introduced to the GIGANTOR cold sore that had taken over my fantasy!

kittens...i felt like i was aboard the millennium falcon...with Han and Chewie
and i couldn't escape his gravitational pull towards his death star

i had chatted to a couple potential failures in the area...a day prior when i was gett'n my hooves sandblasted and outta the blue...as i was ready to...
rent a room in desperadoville...this military man text me

kittens...my pollination process was work'n in over drive try'n to calm the natives down...but soon my bubble was gonna burst...so my chauffeurs
agreed to drop me off at his place of worship...known as the no-tell-ho-tel...
little did i know he was also have'n this crypt keeper over fer communal services

hey i'm all about serve'n the service men...that is...when they look like...
the military men in every non heterosexual's fantasy

and not like Mr Magoo who just gave himself one too many enemas!

i mean...i am thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n...
 illusionist of my own universe...my standards are as high as my hemline...so i needed to perform an illusion...pronto!

so i rearranged my DNA and got the H-E-double hockey sticks outta there

thankfully my posse waited fer me at the liquor cabinet in the lobby and we went to the PARK...the premiere non heterosexual dance club in town...
we arrived durin' their drag show benefitt'n the victims of some natural disaster

i will bite my tongue on the review...since they were doin a benefit show...
but let's just talk about what the real disaster was...putt'n on yer make-up with magic markers...is not that magical in the spotlight!

nite turned into dazed...and it was finally the morn'n of my final departure so with bags packed...off we went to the Lynchburg airport an hour away
part'n is such sweet sorrow...but i was just really ready fer snowflakes and soak'n in calgon's cool bouquet in my own palace of unpleasantness

plus...i figered my cuz's had had enough of me...
as if!

i had arrived and made it thru security with no problemo...
in and out in 5 minutes...just like my last date...and waited patiently fer my board'n call

tick tock tick tock tick tock...the minutes passed rather quickly...
and next thing ya know...we were past the board'n time as scheduled

hmmm...what was the hold up i wondered?....along with all the other...
filthy fantastic sam haircuts wait'n in the lobby...look'n like they all had just give'n themselves a strawberry enema shake...bored wait'n and ready to board...perhaps they hadda pump up the co-pilot...who knows...but whatever the reason'n...the natives in the lobby were gett'n restless

as i looked outside at the Patsy Cline plane i was to board 15 minutes ago
i wasn't quite sure i wanted to climb aboard...
maybe it had to do with watch'n one too many lifetime movies of the week...i don't know

to calm my nerves...i conjured up thoughts of some potential failure...
that would be wait'n to greet me with open arms once i arrived back home

then the less than stellar comedic style'ns of the peanut gallery says...
"sorry to inform you ladies and gentleman...but tonite's flight attendant has come down with a bad case of stomach cramps and we are unable to take off at this time...please be seated and we'll will let you know when she feels better to board the plane!"

ummm...WTF!...a fuck'n stomach ache?

i was expect'n a wing had fallen off...the pilot got his unmentionables stuck in a lavatory glory hole...somethin' earth shatter'n...but a damn flu bug?

i'll serve the fuck'n peanuts...and we've all heard the "in case of a water emergency...you can use yer seat as a flotation device" enough times in our lifetime...we can recite it in our sleep...i just wanted outta this nightmare

tick tock tick tock tick tock...
this was not look'n good!

35 minutes later...the last comic stand'n that was voted off the show before
it began...gets back on the mic and informs us that we will not be leave'n on tonite's last flight...and trust me when i say...everyone that was wait'n...
 had the same idea how we wanted her to leave!

so we all had to go back thru security...which now was a corral of cranky cattle...and wait fer the next available operator to rebook our flight...
who was the janitor lady just hours earlier...i swear!

i was 40th in line...and it was take'n 15 minutes to rebook just 1...so i called Charlene and informed her of the situation...and without hesitation...
Charlene and Daniel turned around after arrive'n back home to get me so i didn't have set up shop!

an hour later they arrived back and got rebooked outta Roanoke so they wouldn't have to drive an hour to drop me back off...so i handed my
identification to the detoxed agent...and he informs me that i made the...
"HALL OF FAME OF UNUSUAL NAMES"...i said..."ummm...what's that?...another name fer the no fly list?"

back home i had spent the majority of my narcoleptic insomniac nite...
finish'n up my blog about the sudden loss of my X...and chatter'n to potential failures that i may or may not meet back home...why not?
by 6 am...i finally was able to get the sheep jump'n over the damn fence and 2 hours later i was up and pack'n again fer the 3rd time that weekend

after a quick breakfast... it was off to the airport once again...but at least this time...it was only minutes away...and as i made it thru security and Charlene faded away into the distance...i remembered one thing...
the delete button and that potential failure from Raleigh would be nothing more but a mere blip on my list of socially retarded potential failures...that i never had to potentially not meet

as i boarded the plane back to the land of 10,000 bottoms...i mean lakes...(9,999 bottoms) everything seemed to be goin as scheduled...until we got onto the runway and the captain announces that with the strong winds ahead...we were unable to take off...but at this point...to be quite honest...
i just wanted to get off!

look'n around though...i knew my options were beyond limited...
so i shut my eyes...and by the time i had awaken...i was back home

a potential failure just happened to text me as i boarded the train home...
but he potentially wouldn't show up by the time i arrived back to my apt...so i potentially just counted sheep!

moral of this never end'n story is...i have none!
now get off my dress